Ok tell me I'm not insane! :P

[ChibiChaos]

OK, so my bf has been badgering at me for almost a year, because whenever he asks me who else I'd think is (his term was hot) attractive, I would say nobody.

This is because of my mom, who has been a real *ahem* browser my whole life, making comments on EVERY guy she sees, saying almost anything with a penis is hot, etc etc. So everyone I know, (including my mother) thought I was a lesbian (which is not a bad thing) but I wasn't. Just how my mother behaves disgusts me. Looking at every guy we see, laughing, making loud comments, stuff like that, and I well, grew up listening to that, and being ridiculed because I didn't act like her. I act the total opposite, and frankly feel that nobody is really attractive, I am more attracted to personality and sense of humor, and if they are cute I am not gonna advertise it, it's an added bonus.

Anyway, back to the subject. After being bugged for around a week straight, I just let two random names come out of my mouth to shut him up. The guy who plays Angel from Buffy the Vampire slayer and Hyde from that 70's show. I chose two people who aren't major and who I thought wouldn't matter that much. Well it turns out it offended him that I told him some names, and he got all jealous and mad. Now here's the situation, see if you can see where I'm coming from.

Whenever I'm not around, he likes to watch this nasty hardcore porn. I know he's male and he'd look, but he swears he doesn't and when he's caught he either says it isn't his or tries to appologize. I say well, it's like oggling. He oggles these naked women while they show everything, I say I like these guys (not find them attractive, like as in like their personality) and he gets mad and hurt. My take is that he gets hurt and jealous cause he thinks I oggle them, yet he watches that all the time and doesn't care what I think really. He's been raggin on me for days about it. That might not have made much sense, so I'll rephrase it: He's mad at me cause he thinks I oggle these guys and that they look so much better than him, yet he watches porn where these huge boobed beautiful women show off their privates and look A LOT BETTER than me, and he thinks that my jealousy is pointless.

I tell him this and he just ignores me and rants on and stabs at me about something else. Tell me I am not insane in my thinking that. He oggles naked women and I get hurt, he doesn't care, yet I think someone is likeable (personality wise) and I'm the horrible person. I mean, I don't even watch those shows, and he's mad. *sigh*

any thoughts? am I just insane?

[Ultrawolf]

I think If I were you I would yell expletives at him.
Point 1:
Guys are assholes.
Point 2:
Saying "sorry" means nothing if you go out and repeat the same mistakes.
Point 3:
Him getting jealous over something like that=Hypocrite
Point 4:
If It was me in your shoes I woulda dumped his sorry ass. Then again I'm not known for my forgiveness. I give people one chance. That's all. This guy obviously doesn't respect you enough to not stare at naked women while you aren't there. Him constantly asking you if you think anyone is attractive is him being a narcisist asshole. I'd take a hard look at what you've got in your hands and decide what you want to do.

[ChibiChaos]

well the thing is I DIDN'T want to get him jealous, I just wanted the nagging to stop.

[Ultrawolf]

Well I don't think you're insane and I really don't like this guy so maybe I shouldn't really say anything. :X

[reaper]

Yeah tell your boyfriend to stop being a douche, cause it sounds like thats what he is being lol. He is probably really insecure and thinks you will leave him for some random hot guy or somehtin.
Men can be very much like children lol

But let him look at porn still lol.

[ChibiChaos]

that's the thing, really, I say I don't like it but he can, I just don't appreciate it, and he says he doesn't and won't. but then he goes and watches it, saying "it's addictive, I don't DO anything while I watch it, it's just like a show on tv, no biggie, and It's not oggling women." but isn't that what it is? staring at attractive women?

[reaper]

You probably dont wanna hear this lol, but as I guy, I would bet allot of money he doesnt just watch it.

[silverorb]

it seems to me like your bf is very VERY insecure about himself. when he asked you if you thought any other guys were hot, he wanted you to answer that you thought no one else out there was as good-looking as he is, to make him feel better about himself. it seems like his self-esteem might be really low, and maybe he watches porn so often because he's not confident in his own "abilities" in the bedroom. it seems like he's being an ass, but if i were in your shoes, first i'd give him some reassurance that you are attracted to him, and i'd go easy on him. maybe you can help him feel better about himself. after a while if he still acts like an ass, however, maybe he's just a selfish and immature person and you need to get rid of him and get yourself a man who's a little more adult

[Excel Zero]

Ugh...well here's the thing..Reaper is probably right that he doesn't just watch the stuff...

I like what silver says, reassure him and yes put yourself in a pride swallowing position for a moment and bare it all. Tell him you think he is the most beautiful person alive and explain that you just threw those names out because you didn't want to be nagged anymore. Tell him everything you feel and that you want him to stop watching the porn or a least tone it down.

Yes boys will be boys and sometimes gawk at another girl, but it doesn't always mean that he likes said girl over you. He's just a testosterone loaded freak of nature like most of us are. Now that being said I am not defending the ritual of oogling or porn watching when it interrupts a relationship.

Probably life's biggest problem is insecurity. People don't get things done because they're all afraid of consequences. I'm not advising you to act irrationally by cussing him out or anything but throw consequence aside and sit him down and explain what you feel. I guarantee you will get an answer.

If he is remorseful, he may be ready to change
If he says no he wn't stop then he is stubborn and won't change
If he just brushes it off like nothing or ignores you then he is a child who needs to grow the hell up.

As silver implied, you may need someone new. Remember this; if this is how he is now, imagine how it will feel down the road if you don't try to change it.

End of line

Excel

[shadokastur]

Another important point to take into consideration is that he has to be willing to change and words don't always mean what they say.

Since our minds are so trained in the "A is bad and B is good" mentality, try to get him to be honest about what benefit he gets from watching porn. I had to be honest with myself (which is a VERY hard thing to do, because we think in words, which are not precisely expressive of emotion) and I've cut my watching down considerably (I would say, at one point, I too was "addicted".) This is a fragile matter and must be handled delicately. If he feels like you're attacking his character then he will retreat into his shell and it may be a while before he's willing to talk (i.e. take the chance of being hurt) again. One of people's biggest fears is being judged and we are judged against what society as a whole thinks is right, but this "right" is a limited generalization. Make sure during this talk you refrain from making faces or reacting with disgust when he tells you something you may not want to hear. Only by taking a chance can you earn something. Only by exploring uncharted regions will you find something unique.