I Pray The Lord...

[Shandriz]

So, I just wanted to get an unbiased opinion or two. I posted this little ficlet about a character I roleplay as in my Writing Journal, but only my friends can read that, and I know they're a little biased...^_^ I -think- my writing's been getting better, but I'd really like to see what other people think about it. Warning- it switches from the past to the present near the end. Just so you don't get confused ^_^

"As I lay me down to sleep.." The building shook. The cries of baby Mari, the tears of Mari's mother, ensured Emily that sleep would not come this night. She would never admit that sleep would not come also because she was frightened. For four days the noises had been overhead. Loud bangs followed with screaming and crying.

And she lie here safe and sound with her mother and her mother's sister.
"I pray the Lord my soul to keep.." Her voice didn't waver, even as another loud bang rocked their shelter under the ground. The candles fell off the shelf, but that was okay because they hadn't lit them tonight. Best to be conservative, no telling when they'd next be able to get more.

"And if I die before I wake..." Mummy was writing another letter to the boys. She remembered how Robert and Alex had wanted to go to war so very badly, especially after the letter came that daddy had been killed. They wanted in on the action, and they wanted vengeance...they wanted to fight for their country.

They hadn't heard from either brother in two years. For this, Emily marked them off as dead. She knew Robert too well to think anything else. He'd manage to get a letter to them no matter what if he were still alive.

And Aunt Cassie was still crying and holding onto Mari. Mari didn't look so good. It'd been too long since they'd last been able to get ahold of Mari's medicine. She was so pale, her dark curls were matted to her forehead, sweat covering the child's body. It wouldn't be much longer now. Emily was sad for that, but she couldn't worry about it right now. She had to be strong for mummy, because mummy was crying again.

She was crying now. Looking down at the face of her beloved. They'd found him dead that morning, shot, presumably by someone who'd spotted him. How many times had she -told- him not to wander too far from the Haven? That he'd be shot because there was no way to hide his physical malformities?

And now it was too late. She hadn't even gotten to say goodbye. There were so many things she had been wanting to say..so many things left undone. And now she'd never have the chance.

But she had to be strong. She wiped away the tears, straightening. She loved him, more than anything, but she had to be strong. For the Haven. They needed her. Brushing a strand of his hair out of his eyes, and leaning down to kiss his forehead, she sighed,
"I pray the lord my soul to take."



A bit of background- this rp takes place in an alternate earth where a company called Karl and Tracy created chemical weapons, and caused a world-wide war that's pretty much decimating the planet slowly. And yeah, I created the rpg too, although I stopped GMing it a while ago. ^_^ It's in good hands now, though!

[Alorox]

Here's my honest, unbiased opinion:

I like your writing, honestly, I do... It's smooth and connected; it flows very well. And it's not boring... Nice and entertaining... Very descriptive too... I was able to pick up on what was going on pretty quickly.

Awesome work man, keep it up!

[mikeypants]

Not bad at all.

You have a good ability to esatablish the mood and characters...you know very descriptive and compelling and it was also an excellent portrayal of a particularly dark subject matter.

Although, I think it was a little too manic in that it was shifting gears quite often. Like in the first paragraph you switch from dialogue to descriptions of the setting and atmosphere to the character's personal thoughts and back to the setting all within a few sentences. I'm not sure whether or not you did this to give the passage a certain style, like to reflect the insanity and chaos of war but I think that maybe you should focus on trying to unify similar elements together. Like dedicate a paragraph to establishing the setting then move on to the actions of characters and then personal thoughts from the narrator. Although I'm not saying to stop adding different things in. For example, you could always have the character in comtemplation or personal thought and be interrupted by a bomb or loud noise which changes the focus of that person or something.

PS. it looks like a big put down but I just needed space to flesh out what I wanted to say. I thought it was very good. ^_^ Keep it up.

[Shandriz]

Thank you both for your input ^_^ I will definitely take all that you said in mind, Mikey. And don't worry, I'm not feeling insulted or anything. I asked for constructive criticism and got it ^_^