My Adoption

[Faye]

Alright everyone. I have a dilemma(SP?). I seek advice from those who are older and wiser than I. But since I dont belong to any forums like that, I'll guess I will settle for you guys. J/K

I am adopted. My adoption was arranged during my birth mother's 3rd month into her pregnancy. I was bought and paid for long before labor ever started. My adopted mother came and picked me up from the hospital about 2 hours after I was born. I never saw my birthmother not even for a second. All I have known about her is her name Lisa, her age, 37, and that she is full blood Italian. Those of you who have been paying attention to my posts and know that I am 21 would put her age at 16 at the time of my birth. The only thing I know about my birth father is that he was much older than my birth mother, though I dont know how much. That has been all I have known about my real parents, up to now.

My mother told me that she found my real grandparents and that she would have no problem with it, if I wanted to go find my birth mother. Any of you who know anything about the adoption process will know that agencies go to great lengths to keep the identities of birth parents away from the adopted children. My adoption was not handled through an agency but I still never came up with anything.

Anyways, my mother hands me a sheet of paper with a phone number and adress for, who I suppose she is certain, my grandparents. I have been sitting on this for a while wondering what I would say to them and, assuming that they would give me a way to contact her, what I would say to my mother.

I am 21 years and a few months old. The chances that she wouldn't remember me are slim, but the chances that she has moved on are almost 100%. She may be married and have kids, all of which live in a blissful ignorance of my existance. Would she even want to talk to me, or see me. Would she even believe it was me if she talked to me or saw me. Would she welcome me in with open arms and introduce me to my half sisters and/or half brothers, or would she slam the door in my face and tell me she never wants to see me again. The later of which I dont know if I could mentally handle. Then there is always the possibility that she is dead. It would be sad to think that someones life would have ended before the age of 37 but it is a fact of life that sometimes happens. Another possibility that I am not sure I would take well.

This has all been under the assumption that my grandparents would even give me any information about her. Given the amount of time it will take me to even muster up the courage to call them I would be very disappointed and all it would do was drive me to want to find her even more.

Thanks to everyone who has read this, and any words of encouragement or advice you could give me would be more than welcome.

[Excel Zero]

well you know how I am...I believe that if people have questions, they deserve answers...if nothing else you can get closure..

Howver...I claim that I know NOTHING about a situation like this since I never lived it. I only know what I know from patients I had on the ambulance and my own barely related experiences

I'd say sit on this one and think...what's more important? Closure or mental stability. Is the possible consequences worth the attempt...if so then go do it

If not then sit back and continue your life

either way we are behind you and will always be a support system for you...Good Luck

[Shino]

Wow Faye, I didn't know you were adopted.

I was as well. My mother got me when I was 4 months old. Adoption is big in my family. I was adopted, I have 3 cousins that were adopted. One of those cousins adopted a child that a lot of PO knows. Madeleine. My GodDaughter. Not to mention that she has just completed the paperwork to adopt another child. If my father had not passed away when I was 3, I would probably have a little brother or little sister who would have been adopted.

I was never given the oppertunity that you are faced with right now. And to be honest, I'm not sure I would know what to do either. I would probably not contact them for the reason that ... well ... there is a reason she had to give you up. And I'm sure that reason is not a happy memory. And you showing up would surface those unhappy memories. Not only that, but it could cause heartache between your mom and your birthmother.

Then again, there is a part of me that would want to say, "Mother, I just want you to know that I am ok."

When I was young and stupid... I always said that I didn't want to meet my birth parents. Mainly b/c I thought that if they couldn't even try, then I didn't want to deal with it. It's different for me now. I realize that what probably happens is that they gave me up b/c at the time they knew that they could not provide for me. And they gave me up with the hope that I would make something of myself. Now, it's kind of like, I just wanted you to know that I'm doing well.

It can't be easy to do something like that. I think I would stick with not seeing them b/c I don't want to hurt them in anyway. I'm not worried about what they would think of me... mainly b/c I have a family to go back to and it wouldn't surface any scared memories for me. But for them... Well I think you get where I'm going. What Excel has said is true, but there is another factor here... you have to think about your mother's mental stability as well. Think about that... then make your decision.

Faye, I don't really know what advise to give you, but maybe me telling you how I look at my adoption has helped. I hope it has. Please keep us informed about the situation.

Whatever you decide, you can rely on 100% support from this PO!

[Zane]

I know I don't fit the "older and wiser" category, but I'll still give my advice if you are willing to listen. I love my parents very much. I am not adopted, but if I had been and by them, I would still love them just as much. When going into this, what you need to remember that these people are currently only related to you biologically. Your family are the people who raised you and were there for you when you needed. Ok, with that out of the way, I want to encourage to see your biological grandparents. You deserve the chance to meet the people who should be a part of your family. Plus, you never know, they might actually want to meet you even more than you do them. As for later finding your mother, yes you might be correct, she might have moved on and created a family. So what? You are still her daughter and in time you could be a part of that family. Just keep in mind what I said earlier in case (God forbid) these people reject you. They are not yet your family, the ones who love you and care for you right now are. Hope I helped.

[Daijaga]

Ok, heres my dig. I am what Faye likes to call "Quasi-adopted". Bear with me.

My birth mother, Sheila, got knocked up in Kentucky one night whena bar burded down. She went home with this one guy and X montehs later finds out shes pregnant. Her sister who has trouble bearing children, Diane, agreed to adopt said child (me). When I popped out of Sheila, they tried to hand me to her and she (while lving me) declined to hold me and directed my into my adopted mother's arms. I've been Diane's child since even before birth, ad I call her mom and I call Sheila aunt. Theres other adoption in my family, but Im the only one adopted "in family".

Anywho, I foudn out I was adopted, later I was given information on my birthfather. Apartenly someone in my family still was connected to him with in a few steps and had some information about him. I've got his picture around here somewhere, and have the oppertunity to find out a lot more about him, but I've had similar feelings.

As a man, I sort of feel its my responsibilty to acknowledge my presence to him. I feel like its only fair he shoudl know about me, being he never even knew I exsisted, but I don't want to mess anyone up. I dont want a father, I just feel like he should be aware of me, which sounds kind osf self serving in a way...

*shrug* Anyway, Ive sit on the information knowing I could contact him for about 8 years. So Im cracked up in the same spot in a way. The thing is, I'm not really concerned about it. If one day I decided to act on that information, so be it. If not, I dont think that anyone will be the better or worse for it.

*three cheers for adopted POs!*

[Reverend]

...You know, all I can think of when I hear someone speak about a situation like this is that "Family is and always will be the people who you develop a bond of love with."

I cannot say I have any experience or grounding for what you must be going through Faye. Questioning if who you are is because of how you were born, or because of the people who raised you, or some of both, and if so what comes from where? We are lucky because humans have the gift of introspection. We can actually decide to disect ourselves to learn where we come from.

In end there is no wrong answer because you have the choice to know or not. All I can offer is the warning that if you commit to meeting your birth family, you will never get to go back to the way things once were. That does not mean that it will be bad, but it will not be the same.

No matter what you do though, every one of us here will be there for you, either by phone, by AIM, by posts, or by prayer. Good luck with free will my friend, and Mod bless.

[Tobias]

Hmm...this is quite interesting.

Being the person that i am, im almost definite as to what I would do in your shoes. I would pick up that phone, call your real grandparents, get a hold of your mother, and talk with her.

This may not be the best path...but it is a path, and it's not idling at the crossroads. Personally, i feel the same as Rev and others: Your family is who love and raised you. She may be your bond genetically, but through love and soul, it would be your current mother. Sometimes, you need to suck in that thought, swallow the pride, and just get it over with. And if you only speak with her once, so be it. At least you spoke with the person that brought you into teh world. Whilst your parents were the people that raised you, she was the person that brought you into this world, and carried you for 9 months.

Now, im not adopted...but given the situation, i would go for it. If anything, you guys talk once, and thats that...but like i said, at least you spoke with her once, and you know who she is. And if memories well up in her mind, just tell her that whatever the problem was before, it's in the past, and like Shino said: Let her know that your OK.

[underpants]

Faye,
I can't say that I'm adopted, but I can tell you that I'm sure your birth mother thinks about you!! Giving up a child isn't a walk in the park and it's not like doing the dishes or something. It's a HUGE thing in a woman's life that I'm sure she will NEVER forget!! Usually when women give birth and choose to give their child up for adoption they wish not to see the baby at all, because then it would be harder to give him/her away. Maybe she couldn't provide for you or something, but I know that if she could she would of kept you! Any woman would!! So, what I'm saying is that I would contact her, if it were me and all. Don't you want to meet your half brothers and sister, if you have any?!! After meeting her you could have an even bigger family that loves you all the same!
Good Luck in whatever you decide!! We're here for you!

[Faye]

I appreciate all the support from you guys. I really do. I haven't decided exactly what to do at this point, but I have taken your advice to heart and it means a lot to me. I have a lot of stuff going on in my life right now and I dont think now would be the appropriate time to possibly bring that kind of stress into it.

Thanks again,
Faye

[Reverend]

Whatever you choose, we stand behind and beside you Faye. Good luck