So hard to press Submit.

[Akanari]

I don't know how to say this...
I think this has been my first topic in this part of the forum. I mean, shit, this is my first time even coming out with something so personal in public. I don't know if this is just me talking, or it's reality. I would say don't take this seriously, but it's so serious. So painful. It's the realization that hurts. I don't want anyone to know... I just want people to know...

I have very high self confidence, as many of you know. I meet people's eyes when I walk past them with my chin up. I take care of myself, I try to be a good person, I'm told I'm a good person. I know what people feel when they look at me, because the aggressive have told me.
I know how to...handle people. When I have a clear head, I can use some people like puppets. I can patch up follies of others without a seam showing, when I'll take the effort. I can be whatever they want me to be, as long as I am still in control. Even if they don't know it, I am still in control.

These things I do, they're not done to hurt people. They almost always heal them, in fact. But as I keep healing, filling in all the little cracks of emptiness that someone feels, I know what grows. I respond to what grows, feeding it with the promises that it likes. I don't feel like I'm lying, I feel like it's real, but afterward, I look back, and I scoff at the emotions. I know exactly what I'm growing within someone. I feed, feed...and when it's a monster that I've grown within someone, I leave. The monster's supply is cut, and it starves.

I've...I've never seriously liked someone, or even claimed to love someone, until they have told me first. So I never know if I'm just feeding them, or I actually feel that way. And it rips me apart. It creates uncertainty that I do not reveal. I try to find ways of getting out. Cowardly ways. Leaving something out in the open that'll make someone second guess, to confront. I feel pain, such pain when it breaks, but I want the other person's pain too. That feeds my monster. I feel so weak, so weak because I rely on this.

Half of me is a sadist of the mind, even enjoying my own torture. Other people's pain makes me feel powerful, and I do not mind going low to get that pain. Godammit, I've made someone point a gun to their head. It's disgusting. Horrifying. I enjoyed it. I laughed as I cried, as I wanted to kill myself, but I enjoyed the life so much. I would say I'm schizophrenic, but it's there all the time. They both are there, but the malice is always underneath. I don't know if I'm feeling that happiness...I don't know if I'm actually feeling that belonging... Maybe that malice, that dark, is just trying to keep that weak part of me alive, feeding it. I don't know what I'm talking about.

That was probably all just ramble. Ramble. I don't know what's real... I could never say this aloud, my mind wouldn't let my mouth actually come out with it, reveal itself. I don't even want to post this.

[Blackmage]

Everyone has their own demons Little One. Getting our with things is what makes us happy and feeds our urges good or bad. It's like playing the Sims but on a much larger scale.

I can think of several of my own personal instances where I've built people up becuase it's what I felt like I had to do, then later cutting them off cold turkey. I have no idea what happened to them as to me they don't excist anymore as we don't even talk. I somehow feel my own unluckly streaks as of lately are karma to this. Just remember that even in your own tourment someone else is probibly finding pleasure.

I'm not sure if that made sense but my minds all bleh and out of whack from a long ass shitty day at work, and remember the best way to help things is talk to someone about it. Someone your trust and feel comfortible telling everything too or even just a complete stranger, you never know what kind of knowledge someone could be brimming with.

[Kagerou]

im not even sure if i can say anything a couple minutes ago i slightly let out a secret that i've kept inside me..for years...it still kills me...slowly and enjoying every damn second. you know even our hidden feelings are similar aren't they. kinda funny, kinda not, but yeah.

im not gonna say you can confide in me, cuz i know we both keep things inside, and for some reason it feels better that way. or at least for me.

sometimes when i look in the mirror, just one look...i feel so disgusted of myself...of what i've made of myself..what i've come to be. i can be exactly the opposite of what people think. its just they don't bother to dig deeper. i dont think i let them either. doesnt matter...friends are literally what dr fryman says..disposable. i use them until i have no further need. i can be heartless, but so can they. aside from the fact that i'm shivering right now, the world is cold..cruel...so its only an instinctive measure to survive, right? trust few if any and use your own power to get ahead.

honestly, at our school, you're the only one that i would label a true friend, i can talk to you about almost everything. im not really afraid to act -myself-

im not selfless, no. im arrogant and can be pretty darn myopic. i judge people like they're flowers, sickened by them, by myself. i feel like i live a masquerade. try to warp people for my very pleasure, try to change them just because i can or am up to the challenge..and when im done and satisfied..i move on to another interesting "thing"

i've never trusted in love...and do believe i make that obvious. i did use him, to try to fill up the holes in my heart. so horrible. but hey, it was a silent parting, which was nice. i actually kinda hate my birthday, my birth, myself. i hate a lot of things. and sorry, the whole salad dressing doesn't work for me, highly doubt it ever will, and definitely wont if i dont control my temper...

you know, i've always really been like this, but my main "awakening" was probably 3 or 4 years ago..when i wanted to kill someone...i wanted to kill myself as well..just to die and forget. pain is pleasure.

[Blackmage]

[Excel Zero]

Well yeah...you know how I feel Nari, since we've already discussed it I will talk to you again soon and well..you heard it all yesterday...just wanted to remind ya that I am here

-Excel

[kittenofsences]

I used to do the same thing....
you see someone in pain and you are just so tempted without even realizing it to tap into that deep emotion and flip it around from something bad to something good. But when you can make someone feel so good after they have hurt for what feels like forever ( which could only be a few days) they fall head over heals in love with you as if you were a god. Its power and it feels good. the only way that I got rid of it was to just wait when it came to saying things like I love you and if you cantt help it make sure the other person understands how you mean it before you really get into it with them.

[shadokastur]

As long as you feed the beast it will eat you alive.

It took me actually caring about someone, crushing them and devoting my life to destroying myself before I came to a realization that this life is a symbiotic parasite. You hate something so much but need other's images of you to be pristine so you find the weak spot and twist it, stab it, pet it, console it, and use it until it no longer holds any mystery for you. When you're done you sneer at this little creature that you've caged and resigned to your little menagerie. And when and if it's caretaker dares bother you again, you open the cage and sick the rabid little beast on it's own master. Now you are in control. With so much out of your control you have finally found something that's yours. And the caretaker is forever at your mercy until they realize what you have done, if ever at all. And you seem so detached but that's you in the mirror with the gun to your head screaming at them to pull the trigger. And when you/you finally relent and decide it's not worth suffering anymore there's a brief moment of silence and that's all you ever wanted, just some quiet that you could call your own, and experiencing this, you/you decide to not pull the trigger. You look over and the person you damaged is still there but after all you've done they forgive you. Maybe it's their weakness that tells them that they need you no matter how much pain it causes them or that you are not past redemption, which would be molding you into something that they want, need or can use. Now you've become disposable, the toy. You've found the crack in your own wall and started hammering at it because your just tired of it being there. And yourworld, day after day, helps you tear that mo&%$#fu*&%r down. Chip by chip, brick by brick, the pieces fly past your face and amongst them you find not one piece of sincerity, not one thing that would make you want this wall to stand one second longer. Until... until you get that brief glance of what's on the other side: the rest of the world. The rest of the twisted, miserable, mass of corruption, greed and fear that you have even less of an idea of how to deal with than your own. So now your choices are clear: Tear down this wall and let the biomagnetics of pain caused by hollow mental concepts take it's course and gather to you those of similar sufferings or; leave what's left of this wall in tact and shut out the rest of what you can't be sure of. Any measure of security and self-preservation would be welcome at this point. As you consider your options, you let your back rest against the wall, just a moments rest, and you slowly slide down the wall, in tears as it dawns on you with a certain snideness that there is no defense and your games were ultimately self-defeating and you have caused more evil than good, it's just you and your wall now. Drop it and all the world becomes your pain, leave it standing and you may never see the light of day again. You whisper a prayer to a deaf and calloused God and drift off into a troubled sleep knowing that when you wake, it'll still be just you, the wall and your decision that's left.

Sound familiar? If not then I'm just bitter and I apologize for the intrusion.
You have my condolences and best wishes, Akanari.

I hope you feel better.
REY

[Tobias]

i sent you a message.

Just call it a "hunch"

That is all

[Kagerou]

see nari,
it's what i can't control that scares me the most. i've delt with this for five years...its been bottled up...so technically the only secret that i ever had was how i felt. now, there's nothing that i have hidden inside myself..someone knows something, even if one person doesn't know everything..kind of like what you said. in a way, a burden's been lifted off my heart, but that doesn't change things. i -can't- do anything about this and you know it. i've learnt to just get used to my actions...everything's just kinda reflexive..instinctive..if you notice really closely you can tell whom i really do use..you can tell why i say the things i do at certain times...

it's nice to know that i can talk to you and then laugh everything off...btw..this keyboard isn't in too good of a shape now... it wasn't me >> actually, the space bar is really screwed up..i didnt do it =) seriously...but er..hopefully the locker's alive

thought this would slightly be a good ending to this reply ^^ kind alike "enslaved farming penguins" *imagines one peeling a banana* now that my friend, would be a sight to -die- for.

[Akanari]

Thank you all.
But I'm fine now. Happier and calmer than I ever was, in fact.
You people almost make me believe in the term "Godsent." :]
Sure, you can't do anything about it, but you can change how you respond to it.

Uncertainty is my curse.