Another ARGH! Thread. Get a cup of coffee. This one's long.

[Bumblebee]

Didn't want to resurrect the old one..

Anywho. Here's a list of things bothering me at the moment:

Bother 1: Lack of money. SEVERE. LACK. Of money.
Why: Because of numerous things. I have a trip planned for California, and a trip planned for AWA. Looks like I won't go to my California trip(was gonna visit a friend); and at the rate things are going, AWA will be crossed off my list( if I don't see any checks soon).
Also, I REALLY. REALLY. REALLY. Wanted to try and make it to OTFCC. Was gonna sh'mooz up with my Dreamwave peoples as well as some of my pals from the 2005boards. But THAT'S not going to happen either, and it depresses me a good bit. I needed a good pick-me-up this summer, and that was supposed to be it. Oh well. Maybe next year.
Current possible solution(s): Deal with it. Wait it out. At one point, I was going to do commissions, but with all the work I have lined up from Dreamwave(working on a War Within cover right now and I have three pages from Energon to do later- more to come), PocketOtaku(still gotta color Reaper and draw-ink-and-color Shino, Dubcee, and Reverend)- and between running errands(because now that this whole house employed and I'm the only one that's really at home practically 24/7 working, I'm the one doin the errands and cleanin the place) and trying to find sleep(I sleep about 2-4 hours a day), I don't have the TIME for commisisons. Even if I TRIED, I'd most likely charge a good chunk- just to make it worth it for me; and even THEN, my art wouldn't be worth what I charged. Seriously.
Only solution that makes sense is to wait it out and see what I can and can't do as things unfold.

Bother 2: Scanner won't install on my net computer; media computer(where the scanner IS installed) won't read floppies or zip disks(which are unreliable anyways).
Why: ...I can't transfer scanned files. If it wasn't for my finding out how to convert a multi-layer pdf to a singe-layer .psd, I'd be totally screwed. I have to wait for the 29th to come so I can send my vouchers off for the 30th. Basically, I'm gettin paid late(not like I was gettin my checks on time anyways; not that I hold a grudge against DW about that- of FLEER(okay...maybe FLEER...) ). Aside from vouchers, this forces me to possibly do all the PO's I have to do on Photoshop; not that it's a REAL problem, but it will be more tedious and annoying if I end up taking that route.
And aside from those, I still have a few requests and personal art I'd wish to get scanned and going.
Current possible solution(s): Wait for my checks and purchase a "memory stick". I know a friend who can hook me up with one, but first I need to get MONEY.
I could also try to find out what's wrong with the other computer or just reinstall Windows98 and start from scratch(like I've done to this one this past weekend).
...or I can get a NEW computer with my checks and hook it to the net and install everything I need to work with on it. Only thing with that is I need the MONEY- plus that means no AWA and no California trip.

Bother 3: Serious wave of self-conciousness caused by talking to girls that always point out the hot guys that fall into that stereotypical body-frame, mind-set, and HEIGHT.
Why: You know, I've come in terms that I accept how I look- but that I just need to refine a few areas. I'm not fat, but I won't be taking off my shirt for anyone anytime soon. I'm sick of this, though. I mean, I'll be PERFECTLY fine with what my body-type is(ugly), but usually the women I speak with constantly spout out this "he's cute!" "that's cute!" "men like *insert thing here* are sexy!". Maybe it bothers me because it makes me feel like I have to be "like that" to be sexy. I've taken extreme measures for a week, but stopped because I disliked it(for what it was and because I wasn't gonna build up a stereotype of this TWIN thing((thanks Olsens...))--- ...and was still the same. Don't worry, I won't do that again; I don't need to hear the "you shouldn't do that!" talks, because I've heard them three times already from friends. Trust me. I know very well the damaging effects it has to the throat and yes...I don't like to taste my food coming up three times in a day(though if you drink a lot of water...).
Anywho. I've just become not HAPPY with who I am; though I can accept it. Now I just worry about over-exhausting myself. I have a lack of sleep, and when I have free-time, I'm working out like crazy(if you can call doing as many push ups and sit ups as you can in a day, lifting whatever you can find that's heavy in the house(because the gym-thing in the garage is covered with shit), and jogging in place(which is often substituted for DDR) excersizing.
Aside from the whole "not ripped" part, there's this height issue women I see tend to have. If you're shorter than them, they won't date you. The average guy is, like, 5'9"(or was it 5'7"...); you know where that puts me? Like, 5" below the average male hight. Average galla is 5'4"/5'5"(or so I read); so I'm like...an average galla height. Once would think that eye-level was a GOOD deal, but no. It's not. Women down here won't look you over twice if you're short. But I guess I shouldn't care; not like I go clubbing anyways.
Then there's my face. Gawd, do I dislike my face. There are times where I go "I'm not THAT bad looking", but then there are times where I can't even look in the mirror to shave. It's awkward...really. It is.
Current possible solution(s): *insert cheezy voice:* Work out, eat smart, sleep right. Too bad I can't do much in the work out department(because of staying in constantly to work)- and not like I eat much(and when I do, it's not the best food you'd want to eat)- and I don't get any sleep if any at all. I drink a lot of water, though...a lot of it...at least that Soda weight is tamed?
I could also just shut up and deal with it. Some of us can't change who we are; too bad too many others don't appreciate us for who we are, either.

Bother 4: Lack of social interraction(with friends).
Why: Cancelled plans and work. I know there are people who would GLADLY hang out with me, but see, there are people who I LIKE to hang out with because I've known them since High School. Deal is that plans get cancelled a lot; and when plans ARE set and followed through, something comes up, and we have to take a rain check. Work is also a factor- considering that I work from the time I get work to the time I get an assignment to the time I finish that assignment and any assignments in between(usually I'll be working on SOMETHING from 3 different books((i.e., last week I finished a cover to War Within, the last page of Micromasters #2, and about 5/6 pages from TF Energon 26).
Now, Dreamwave doesn't TELL ME OR ASK ME to work nonstop- THAT'S MY OWN DECISION. I MAKE this decision because I want to have free-time A.S.A.P; that or I want to be more available for other projects(remember, everything I do earns me about $90 per page/cover((for now)) ). This causes me to work (very often) about 24 hours STRAIGHT- most I've done straight was 3 days and a couple of hours- NON. STOP. Some of you have been up for 4/5/6 days..I don't care unless those were days you spent sitting STILL behind a computer. I stress this because unless most "physical" jobs, your body is in motion. Sure, it wears you out faster, but, in my opinion, you're more capable of falling to the lure of sleeping when you're immoblile- save that your drawing/writing hand moves a tablet pen, and your left hand is hittin the SC's(short cut keys).
Anywho. Got off the BOTHER topic there.
Basically, I have no time for friends; AH! But they call! Problem is that my mood also depends on if I'll talk to them. If I've been coloring the SAME thing for almost a day, I won't pick up(High School acquantences get the instant action of me seeing what it is they need to say; if it's not important, then I hang up). However, on the opposite, out-of-state callers I will talk to (assuming it's during free-hours)- but how focused I am at my work will affect how long I talk. Also, WHO the person is also matters.
So as you SEE it, this is a problem I cause myself.
Current possible solution(s): None. I keep going how I do and one day I will get something accomplished; why? I'm stubborn. I won't change this pattern until my MIND tells me that it thinks differently. Until then, it's just somethin I need to deal with.

Bother 5:[b/] Lack of sleep is making me see things.
[b]Why: see Bother 4.
Current possible solution(s): see Bother 4.

Long story short, that's the jist. I'm not going to throw in the constants-
loneliness, sexual frustration, tenseness(and needing a massage badly), and lack of artistic creativity.

Before anyone comments, lets get one thing straight. COMMENT. HERE(in this thread). I appreciate that some of you will e-mail me, IM me, or PM me on this matter, but please, please, PLEASE don't(unless it's REALLY important that you have to).
Also, any comments regarding the "me throwing up"(see Bother 3) thing will be IGNORED. I've learned my lesson, I appreciate the concern, but this is the only thing I ask you NOT reply on- and if you DO, I WILL IGNORE IT. I appreciate any concern anyone may have, but I REALLY don't want to hear about how it's wrong. I've done a few things to my body( cutting and bruising in there), and I've GOTTEN OVER THEM. I'm sick of hearing the concern AFTER THE FACT. True, I didn' tell but, like, two/three whole people, but I did that for a REASON. I wasn't trying to hide anything, but sometimes sympathy towards something STUPID that I've done is more INSULTING than it is HELPFUL.

Other than that nugget, feel free to badger or comment to everything else. Note that this ISN'T an attempt to fish for compliments; I'm not posting this because I need to hear everyone saying " you shouldn't worry about that!" or "you're not bad at that!", I'm posting because I need to get it all off my chest.
I chose to omit a few bothers from that list because I felt there are some things people are better off not knowing. Don't ask what those are- cuz I won't tell you.

This is all just about me letting myself get to me. Becoming too obsessed with how I think other people see me and not how other people actually do.
I will put more of the bothers up as I get to them.

Apologies if you feel like I'm saying " you can comment, but just don't say "this" and "that" ", that's not what I'm saying. I've pointed out the ONE topic I wish that no one comment on, and that's the only thing I ask be off limits. If it IS touched, I will quote it and comment " I said don't talk about it", and that's it. I can't stop you from saying what you want to, I just ask that you have the courtesy not to mention something I've gotten OVER(because the last thing I need right now is GUILT).

I also want to say that I feel I've been completely unappreciative to Pocket Otaku- mostly Doot and PRG.
I want to thank the PO staff( mostly through PRG if I understand correctly) for the tablet they sent me sometime earlier this year. Without it, I wouldn't be as far as I am with Dreamwave- and closer to where I've always wanted to be in life- as far as my "dream job" of penciling for a major company; which, thanks to PO, is not much of a "dream", but just a matter of "toning my art".
Also, I'd like to thanks PRG for the many things she's done for me while we were going out. You mean a lot to me- and sorry about that whole "main page" thing. I'm sure it looks awesome, and I'd love to see it when you get the chance to. You've always only had my best interest in mind.
I'd like to thank Doot for her patience during all these times I've not gotten anything in quickly. I know that PO has a reputation to build and maintain, and my lack of cooperation/work for PO only slows it down. I assure you that I respect Pocket Otaku and will try to be a little more punctual with what I "say" I will do and am asked to do.
Also owe her a thanks for helpin me get to AWA last year; I know you said that it was all right, but I still feel guilty that you threw in some of your own pocket change to get me there.
I owe Gryph a major thanks because he was the one who pointed me to PO in the first place- though I did accidentally run across here earlier that month.
Thanks to Shino, Dubcee, Reaper, Andsectoid, BWS-1, and Reverend for being so patient with their revamps and orders.

I don't want anyone to get the idea that I'm being ungrateful for what anyone in PO has done for me- as either a community or individuals; I can't list you all out; I just wanted to list out the main two(PRG and Doot) because they've had to deal with the most shit from me.

And...I'll bitch more later. Gotta get back to work.

[Ming]

That's a lot of bothers, and all I can say is that you should probably take care of them systematically, dealing with the most serious first.

Based on what you say, you are definitely overworking and overstressed, and this is not good for you, health wise. People need to give themselves a break from the daily grind once in a while, both for physical AND mental health. I have no doubt that a hefty portion of what you're going through is agitated by the fact that you're just doing too much.

Now, I understand that you have stuff that needs to get done. I'm in college, and there have been times where I've felt the same way you do. Crap just piles up on top of other crap and before you know it, you feel like you can't breathe. I near had a nervous breakdown this past year because of all this, and I just needed an escape.

My suggestion to you is to find that escape, even for just a week or so. Find a time when you can take some time off, and DO IT. If you can go somewhere else, do that, but if not, just spend a week relaxing. Sleep as late as you want and just veg. Excercise is also a great stress reliever when done properly, so you can get yourself a good routine and excercise properly during that time. It will recharge you, and I guarentee you will feel so much better when you're done.

Good luck man!
~Ming

PS: Thanks for everything you did for my PO. It looks amazing, and I really appreciate it.

[Shino]

Well here we go.

[Therin]

Hehe, I remember getting angry at someone when they told me I'd never be as sexy as Vash. It's true, but...hey, you don't need to rub it in my face, eh?

I'm gonna throw my two cents right into Shino's boat and say that you really have to find time to take a break. Because if you can't take a break, you can't relax, and if you can't relax, well, things just spiral downward from there. Also, know that we're all here for you, man. I don't know you personally, but I've been in this wonderful place for nearly two years, and the way I see it, any friend of PO is a friend of mine. Good luck!

[Reverend]

Bee, all I can say is that I can tell that even if you have limited contact with us, we absolutely love it. Any contact from a good person like you is something we, and myself, are happy to have had. Don't feel unappreciative, you do more than your fair share.

And remember that it could be worse, it could be raining.

[reaper]

I am totally in the no cash boat as well. I keep getting huge bills from my insurance comp for no reason. AWA is starting to look sketchy again for me.

[Bumblebee]

Thanks for the comments peeps; my mind is a bit lighter- but now I gotta gung-ho on this cover.
I REALLY have to make it look great; and have it match the same "quality" that Ruffolo colors at. Man...maybe I shoulda just stuck to the Energon books...
Gotta do three pages from that, though...might start on those later tonight; just so I'll have something on those done. I think they're all flatted...which is good cuz it saves time, but bad because flats cost me $20 from the work- so I'm lookin at $70-per-page, instead of $90...but oh well. It saves time; and not like I'm seeing any of the checks coming in fast enough to matter.

I think I needs me a girlfriend...I can honestly say that the lack of that kind of companionship is taking a toll on my mind. But then again, I'm sure everyone here who isn't taken could reply with " yeah, me too"(on either a b/f o g/f level).

No sign of any checks today. Everyday is just more stress-inducing then the last because I keep wanting there to be a letter from Canada with my check in it.
I'm gonna try and push out a comic through SLG. Most likely, it'll be crazy and violent and stuff. I dunno. Just want something with my name on it(there's also the PO comic...but that's an "I HOPE" thing...).
And blah. Any gallas out there gonna give me some physical loving?
Just playin. : D.

And I'm off... Hopefully my colors will improve to where they need to be!

[Daijaga]

Yo, Faye and I always have sunday off and being as we're practiclaly neighboors, we were wondering if you might wanna chill Sunday. Faye and I can do the drive down there thing, we'll go eat, sit around, go somewhere, do whatever we want. Hell will crash on your couch and make snide comments about you while you get work done - we're just that easy to get along with.

Anywho, if you wanna chill this sunday, lemme or Faye know by PM, e-mail, or call Faye's phone.

Oh, and about AWA, we so got you covered. As long as you have the time off, you should just hitch a ride with us. No gas to pay, no tickets to get, no standing in line - just one long ass 13 hour drive. You dont have to do a thing but feed yourself ^_^

Let us kow if you wanna do that too. We're going in a van, so theres plenty of room even for yo big ass (j/k)

[Excel Zero]

You gonna come pick me up to? we're neighbors...we're only like 4 states away!

Bee, I don't know you as much as I'd like....maybe i'll get to know you...I hope so

but I do hope that things get better for you friend

Excel

[Faye]

I'd offer some advice to you Bee, but to be perfectly honest......I got nothing. However I can offer a free lunch on sunday and the chance to hang out with two people from the internet that you have never met before and rarely talk to. Doesn't that sound like fun??

Seriously though, if you feel like chilling out and getting away from it all, Dai and I would be happy to come down and get to know one of our fellow PO's.