loneliness,mistrust,uneasiness and truth all in one thread!

[ChibiChaos]

so this is the situation here, and why i'm ranting.

Ok here's the scene to paint in your mind. My bf, his sister and her bf and I all went on a camping trip together. We all drink (get pretty gone) and we are all talking. the bf of my bf's sis is talking about past stuff.. and lets go something bad. apparently he told her one thing and she assumed another. so they fight a bit. he's trying to explain himself and she's ignoring him and hitting him with sticks (not hard, just as a kinda i'm mad at you warning)

so he gets mad/upset, and goes out behind some trees to vent. my bf goes to talk to him. in this time, the sister talks to me about her bf and what she has heard about her brother over a while. lots of stuff i don't know that she does. he has apparently had 14 girlfriends before me. unsettling stuff.

i get quiet and listen to her, and we talk back and forth, and we find out stuff and chat about stuff.

my bf comes back, looks the both of us over and goes.. what did i do?

after i explain it to him, he finally tells me everything he hasn't in almost the year we've been dating. (other girls, really really dark secrets that he couldn't tell anyone else, like how his last gf's mom was trying to pick him up, and kissing him sometimes.. not in the friendly fashion and how he'd have to pry her off him and leave so he wouldn't mess up her marriage with her husband, a good friend of his) this happened about a half year before we went out. (note, though it wasn't the best thing i ever did, we were fooling around before he broke up with his last gf, and as i think of it, and her mother, it was wrong but, he was unhappy and was looking for a reason to leave it and never look back) and he never told me. this woman was and still does stalk him, before it was scary, now it's like online stalking, always talking to him, making new emails to add to his msn list, stuff like that.

thing is, he just talks to her like nothing ever happened. good buddy buddy stuff. it's ludicrious! but i checked his msn once a little while ago, she's not added and he's making a new email.

now i feel after he told me that that i can't trust him. he swears he only has eyes for me, the situation before was a one time thing. but really i'm uneasy. it's because of this that now any major annoyance has become a fight with us. the thought of that woman makes me angry now. i feel lonely in and out of his presence, yet i long for him to be there and love him. it's very conflicting inside. after i heard all that news, i couldn't eat or barely sleep for 3 days, making my attitude worse. he was just about to drop what we had and give up because of a fight we had. (btw, i hate fights, i usually cry when it escalates to yelling) and he hates it when i cry for some reason. and he gets more angry and throws stuff and yells and ignores me, which hurts more. he says he can't take any more of my moods, but really most of the stress in this relationship is because of that woman.

i can never really give this up, makes me sick to my stomach. the only thing i can do is act happy to make him quit thinking about that whole situation. i always had a suspicion, that was worse than what he said, but who knows what he's willing to tell me? who knows what really went on there with her? no one but him and her. i won't break up with him, he's my special someone, and if i ever left him i'd be hollow. honestly. just looking for some advice to handle this. i know what most people would do if they heard that, and i don't plan on doing it. i want to work this out. i tried talking with him about it, and he explains it to me like this

"I'd never do something like that to you. I love you, and only have eyes for you. She meant and means nothing to me. It was a loveless relationship, except for her crazy mom keepin it together so she can try to date me, and I never let her. You don't have to worry, I'm not lying."

when he first told me about all this, he was crying his eyes out, because he knew it would hurt me, and it did. i was sick and sleepless. this whole situation is messed, thanks for reading. i needed to vent all my heartache here, and let it off my chest. i could never tell any of my RL friends because they are prone to backstab and tell him i told them, and i am trying to find help in my online friends.

[reaper]

Trust isn't really something that one can advise a person on.
Pretending to trust him won't work. It doesn't matter how much you like the person, if there isn't trust it will not work.
You can either trust him, or don't. You will have to make you're decision and accept the result. Based on you're account it sounds like he genuinely cares about you.

[Reverend]

That he at least did tell you merits something. It's just that it appears that he wasn't thrilled with how he was before he met you. It's a tough call, but I for one am a trusting fellow, so if that helps your decision making at all...

[Shino]

CC... this is a tough one.

The fact that he told you is quite impressive as Rev said. But the fact that it took him a year, well that's just the way he works.

I have a past I am not so proud of. But it is exactly that... the past. I have had about the same amount of women in my life as your bf has. Each experience you learn something new. Now, I'm a totally different person. I know the mistakes I have made. I know how not to make them again.

I'm sure this is a similar situation. When I'm dating someone, I encourage them to ask me questions that are personal. You need to know what kind of guy I am. If you don't, this relationship is going to be very hard on both of us. That is my thought. I am open and honest about my past, and I expect her to be as well.

You should expect that from your bf too. My suggestion is to sit down with him and put all of the cards on the table.

Then, realize that he has been with you for a year. And if he cried in front of you, it means that he trusts you, if anything, as a friend. Yes you are more than that, but in order to have more, you must have a good friendship as a base.

There are not many shoulders I have cried on. Men are very selective about that. Doot is one of the few.

Also remember that his past is his past. Your past is your past. If the two of you have a good relationship, you can't let the past get in the way of your possible future. Life is a series of difficult learning experiences. We all learn. We all do the right thing sometimes, and we all make mistakes sometimes. From the rights and the wrongs, we learn.

My last girlfriend (Skibirdi) knew about everything in my past. She accepted that and we had a wonderful relationship. Sometimes she remembered my past and it upset her, but she would talk with me about it, and afterward she would feel better.

Talk with him. Get him to tell you everything. Then... you tell him everything. Communication is key!

Remember, the 3 most important things in a relationship...
Communication
Honesty
Trust

If you have those, you are gold!

I wish you luck CC!

[ChibiChaos]

thank you for the advice guys. iti helped a lot. i am going to talk to him today when he decides to come over.

[Shino]

Good luck to you girl.

I hope it turns out for the best. Feel free to IM if you need to talk.

[Terin]

It sounds to me like he didn't want to tell you about the situation because he knew it would upset you. Judging by your skepticism, I take it you've been hurt through lies before. The number one thing you have to remember is that this isn't the same guy (I don't think). It sounds to me like he's wanting to fade this other woman out of his life, which is good. I mean if he tells her outright, judging from her instability, she might go schitzo on him or something, so he's handling it delicately. The best thing you can do for him is to let him deal with it, but nudge him every once in awhile to see how the situation is going. Let him know that this woman is creating a gap in your relationship and that it's his decision whether or not to close that gap. I can't give advice for your inner conflict, only you know you.
-T

[Daijaga]

Professor Shino pretty much laid it call out, CC, but I wouldn't mind adding this tid bit.

As procrastinator, I can see where a year coudl sliip by with out him telling you any of that. At first the relationship was new and he didnt want you to think he was weird, then there was something special and he didnt want to ruin what he had with you (I assume) and so just kept it on a need ot know basis. I imagine the topic didnt come up very much (who really wants to talk about their Exs...), and so the thing is you may have just never asked him. Or if you did, he might have said something like "a few girls" or something like that.

Anyway, if theres any other way we can help, please let us know! I hope everything turns out well with your bf.

[ChibiChaos]

thanks for all the good advice.. but now i'm worried here. he was supposed to come over to talk and he ran off with a friend. told me he was coming by and didn't. now after his work is done he says how tired he is, so he won't come by. fine. so i talk to his brother on msn. seems his parents need a ride home because they all went and got drunk. fine. then he goes out at around 12. it's 4am now and no one has heard from him. i called at 2 and he said he went for a drive, and is coming home soon, and for me to go to bed. fine. i wait another hour, he isn't home. it's 4 something now, and no word. he wanted me to go to bed so i wouldn't talk to his brother, so i wouldn't know he'd still be out. i dunno where he went, why he went out, or anything. i hope to god i can trust him here.

[ChibiChaos]

*sigh* i looked on his cell phone.. he was out all night, and had his gf's number on there......