The "D" word.

[Doot]

Kugyou, I am really sorry to hear that you have to struggle this hardship. I am sure nobody ever wishes to have to experience this. I do hope the best for you.

I'm agreeing with Cheshire. If all is said and done, you have shown/explained no reason why you wouldn't be able to keep close contact with your son through custody and whatnot. No court would rule that you wouldn't be able to. Chances are, because of finances, that she'll gain custody.

This scenario is rough. The tables are turned, but it seems like her constitution of your marriage weakened with her selfishness. I say this not fully educated of the scenaro but have an example of a family unit such as yours since my sister in law works and supports the famil and my brother, until just recently, was a stay at home dad. That's commendable and don't let anyone tell you it isn't.

The love between you and your wife may be falling apart but never let it taint your love for your son. Stay in his life as much as you can. Never let him doubt for a moment that you love him. Divorce can turn the people you used to love into some of the ugliest human beings when their feelings are at stake. Never discredit his mother to him and if she feeds him hate towards you, make sure through your actions that all of those are without a shadow of a doubt proven false.

[Shino]

Kugyou...

Everyone else has pretty much said it all.

I will say this... this is one of those things where I look at the courts and get really angry. Why?

B/c in this situation, she obviously doesn't need the child support b/c she doesn't want your help anyway, but you know what? I wouldn't doubt that they give it to her anyway.

Another thing that gets me is that like Doot said, she will get custody. But I don't think it's b/c of finances per say. I have seen that even if the father can provide a better home based on the finances, as long as there is no reason NOT to give the child to the mother, they do, then they make the father pay child support.

Divorce is a horrible thing. And my thought is if there is a way to work things out, then you do your best to work them out.

I hope things turn out for you man.
Let me know if you need anything... even if it's someone to go out and drink with so you can vent.

[Kugyou]

The one issue I haven't brought up in this situation is the sticky one of my relationship with my son. Due to my wife's "independence", I literally could not be around my son if she was in the same room with him and didn't want company. I had to retreat back downstairs and wait for her to go to bed. My "relationship" with my son was reduced to that of "the guy who takes care of him between the time his mother goes to sleep and when she takes him to day care".

Day care with the father at home? That's right - she will openly admit that she put our son in day care as a further incentive for me to get a job. She has used him as a tool against me while claiming she is not.

In addition, when her mother would drive her sister back to UGA, I was usually told to stay home and "enjoy the break from taking care of Alex". Literally not *allowed* to come with them.

And the final piece d'resistance is that I cannot trust that she will not move in with someone in a relationship that equates to marriage (sharing of funds, a home, responsibilities, a bed, etc) without actually getting married in order to ensure that I would have to continue to pay child support. There's one other factor from my own history, explained below.

When my father and mother divorced, I was 15 years old (two months shy of 16, to be more precise). I saw that my father fought for visitation rights during the divorce, and tried to fight my mother over what money she could receive from him; his idiot lawyer attempted to tell my mother she wasn't allowed to ask for money that the law stated she couldn't be denied if she asked for. In between the divorce and the day my mother finally told my dad to stop giving money for my college (the contact was written to last until I was 23), my father used that money as a tool against my mother, asking all sorts of outlandish things - I helped him move out of a dilapidated farm house in Williamson, visited him in North Carolina (where he introduced me to his girlfriend over dinner), and in general had to come up with really creative reasons for why there was no way in hell I was going to spend this weekend or that with him. In addition, I started to see (though hindsight proves this was a psychological mirage) that my mother was using me as a tool against my father. Again, this was a total falsehood, but it's what I saw at the time.

I don't want Alex to ever see himself as a tool either parent uses against the other. Coupled with the fact that I don't feel that there's been or will be a fair chance to have a bonded relationship with my son, I'm going to do something drastic. It killed me the first thousand times I went over it in my head, but I can only see that it's what I have to do to keep everyone's life from being controlled by this divorce. I intend to voluntarily relinquish all parental rights and obligations to my son - I've been doing research, and it's quite possible (even for me to initiate that process). I love my son, and I will always be his (biological) father, but I don't feel, knowing my wife, that I will ever have a chance to be his dad. Better for me to completely bow out of the picture than to screw his life up by being an adverse element therein.

[Cheshire]

I'm glad you see it that way. My step brother was also used as a tool in his parents' divorce. While he didn't lose his relationship with either of them it's messed him up a bit, (turned into a simpl rotten kid,still love him though) If you're in Georgia and interested, my step-father is a divorce attorney specializing in getting fathers their children visitation or otherwise. PM me and I'll give you his number. Good luck hon.