Crazy talk....

[shadokastur]

Mission Statement: Vol. 3

Like most of Nirvana’s fans I was completely enthralled by Cobain, whose lyrics, made little sense and whose voice was, at best, scratchy and strained. The band wasn’t a technical masterpiece with most of their parts being “…just three chords and simple drumbeats!” as many jaded musicians will be quick to add. But, despite these minor downfalls, Nirvana, and Cobain specifically, had “it.” Whatever “it” was, their music (strained, scratchy vocals over three chords and simple drumbeats) had it! The raw power, the intensity, could be felt! Kurt Cobain had something to say to the world but I’m not sure even he knew what that was. No matter the lack of clarity, its presence shone through brilliantly in his music. He became the voice of a nation. But, just as brilliantly as it started, it would come to an end. The fans, the nation, not wanting to believe, denied it. In the beginning, some were saying that it wasn’t his body, that someone else was killed in his house. As Cobain’s identity was confirmed, they turned their cries toward murder. Someone had killed our illustrious leader! But slowly, it sunk in. Kurt Cobain, the man who understood us and showed us how to let it out was dead and he had killed himself. He had given up and taken us with him, not physically, but mentally and spiritually. When Kurt Cobain was pronounced dead I think, somehow, I was too.
I’m not dull enough to blame my life’s circumstances on another, but I can actually say that Kurt’s actions sent me a message and the message was: “You can’t win. The heart will never conquer the machine. Freedom is an illusion. Just give up.” And I did. The next few years of my life were a horrible blur. I expressed the utter defeat I felt through drugs. I figured if it was good enough for Morrison, (another master of the indefinable “it”) it was good enough for me. I had resigned myself to some grisly end like one of my heroes. Which one didn’t matter, I just liked the company. The progression was easy to follow: from alcohol to marijuana; from marijuana to ecstasy; from ecstasy to cocaine, crystal meth, ketamine, LSD (lots of LSD!) and anything else that promised to ease the constant underlying hum of unrest that dwelled just at the edge of my mind. At one point, it wasn’t just synthetic, refined chemicals that did the trick. Let’s make this picture even uglier and bring in sexual addiction as well. Why not, I’ve already divulged half the diseased contents of my life why not go further into the dark? The desperation mounted and soon I was trying like mad to escape this mental prison by any means necessary: Chronic masturbation, multiple partners, Inhalants, cold medicine, large doses of over-the-counter uppers, alcohol, any drug I could get in my hands (or nostrils!), everything and anything at all. This was addiction at its ugliest; addiction to anything, everything, and beneath all the unspoken, empty promises, nothing. I had given a physical door to the poison that is killing us all from the inside, I had become an example of the people that our culture deems garbage, better off being killed and disposed of because of the message I/they send and it felt good. Good? Yes, good because now I didn’t feel so alone. I knew first hand and for sure that the “scum of the earth” had hearts and souls no matter how low one was to go.
LSD did a lot for me. It even destroyed me. It was the first drug that showed me the ugliness of everything in depth. I fell into what drug users call a “Rabbit Hole” or just a “hole” (for reference, listen to Alice In Chains’ ‘Down In A Hole’). I crumbled, like a star imploding in on itself I just vanished to somewhere deep and dark within. It showed me the impact of every deed I performed and every word I spoke. It was like seeing the entire universe on a see-saw. One side would go up and the other would come down. It was breathtaking in its simplicity but terrible in its interpretation. Under the strain of the weight of its implications “I” snapped. It was quiet at first and then someone spoke. I tried to respond to them but it was no use! Nothing came to the surface. No response. Now I was fully and painfully aware of the weight that each word and deed carried and it was almost too much to bear. I was fortunate enough to eventually emerge from the “hole” 6 months later but “I” was never going to be the same. People would try to carry on conversations with me but I just couldn’t be the person I once was. That person was too selfish, too angry, too stupid, too lazy, too scared. He was a skin I had shed involuntarily and now missed deeply because he was my conduit to this world, to all of my friends, to my parents, my pets and my belongings, and he was gone. I still felt him inside, a mere shadow of the complete power he once held over me. I still felt that hopelessness radiating like cold does through a window when I heard Maynard singing ‘Prison Sex.’ It was like a second, more tangible, moment of freedom. It was like the two, Maynard and my old self, were resonating with the same energy. I not only heard Maynard’s words, but felt them. It was like the second coming of the vocal messiah and I was redefined. The All Pervading Spirit knew that I wasn’t ready to Be in the presence of no-self. It had given me a new direction on life and a new purpose to show others.
If all this sounds crazy, you just don’t see things the way I do. I am no longer scared as I once was. I know now that honesty, sincerity is my share of the wealth and you are welcomed to take part with me. I’ve given anyone enough ammunition in this letter to sink me in the eyes of those that will never care enough or are too blind to search and remain open. But they are not my concern. If you’ve read this and are still my friend or now feel a certain kindred with me, YOU are my concern and Code Atom is a message for you, for us, to the world.


Much love to the All-Pervading Spirit,
REY

[Tobias]

*nods*
Gotcha bud.
*walks off*

[Blackmage]

People fall off the block... Some manage to never get back on the block, your one of the ones with the strength mind and will power to get back on it and stay on it.

Your past is your past, you've learned from it and your trying to help others learn from your mistakes. Your past can be forgiven.