November Rain Blues.

[Tobias]

Hey guys. Tobs here, with a little bit of a problem. I need some advice from you guys, knowing that you guys sometimes bring gems amongst gems.

Lemme start this off like this:

A few people at some point in time have had a similar problem to me, wherein i've had the pleasure of giving my story to them as a means of either hope, advice, or just plain knowledge on the issue, since my case was such an extreme. This case is of long distance relationships. I've seen them occur on many different planes, some here on PO, some outside of PO amongst my other friends. I know that my case has helped several people out, but i need some help myself.

For those of you that need some more Up-to-speeding, i started this relationship when i asked a young Austrian au'pair that came into my cafe regularly. She called me back, we both got to know each other a little better, and well, we really began to enjoy our time together. After several friendly dates, she finally told me of her dilemma: she wasn't going to be here for very much longer. It was mid october, and she was leaving mid-January. She told me that it would have probably been better if we were friends, and I agreed. Strangely enough though, when i asked to kiss her, she let me do so. The next day, we had pretty much gone into full-fledged relationship, completely out of the blue.

Well, that time came, though, and she had to leave. She left, and well, i had become rather upset, knowing that i had really liked this girl. The thing about it was that both of us really didn't want to see other people after she left. We had both left such an impact on each other that it was strange: I had never really met a girl that thought quite like me before, especially to THIS level, and she had never met a guy that was as different as myself. We didn't know how to break this thing up, or even begin to see other people, because we felt that much for each other.

The word "Love" comes to mind....but not quite yet.

Christmas comes along, and i'm starting to accept the fact that i probably won't see her for quite some time, although we did maintain phone-contact with each other, as well as email contact. I called her to wish her a merry christmas, as well as tell her that i wanted to try and see her at some point within the near future, reason being it's harder for her to get a Visa for the US than it is for me to get a Visa for Austria. She completely flips everything upside down when she tells me not to book anything.

At first, im thinking, "Oh boy...maybe she's dating some other guy or something." She goes on to tell me that she's going to try and come back to the US for the summer. Now, i didn't know how she was going to pull this miracle out of Gods' ass, but she did: On August 9th, she arrived, and i picked her up.

This is when the silly emotional stuff starts to happen. Buckle your seatbelts boys and girls.

When i pick her up, she's on a very different wavelength from me. Once again, i feel that feeling of "Crud, she's seeing another guy finally...maybe my luck has run out." After i drop her off at home, i go on for several days without hearing from her, feeling that maybe she's just got a problem getting back in contact with me. Turns out it was, and i meet her for dinner and a movie.

Through this meeting, i feel the same feeling that i felt at the airport: She's holding back from me. Now it started to make sense, i knew what she was doing: She was trying to stop everything...and honestly, it didn't seem too much like a bad idea. Why? Well, seriously, look at the situation we're in: We live in two different countries, separated by a large body of water. It's VERY hard to conduct a relationship over a couple of states, let alone a friggen continent and the Atlantic Ocean.

I digress though. I meet with her again, and we talk. We decide that we'll just be best friends.

We go out and get lunch a bit later that week, where a series of events really takes a toll on both of us. Im feeling some silly things at this point about her...i'll leave that for later. She comes over for my birthday, and we sit on my couch silently, like a happy couple. Thats when the feeling hits me.

I love this woman, and I think the feeling is mutual. We go downstairs, where i download Skype so that i can talk to her when she goes back home, and well, things pick up once again where we left off. Once again, over night, we're a couple again. We continue seeing each other again, up until the saturday after my birthday. We go down to teh city and have a good day, when her friend calls her and puts her two cents on the situation. She becomes torn, and i do what any caring guy does: I do whatever makes her happiest.

We break up again. (The crazy train is almost over, i promise ya.)

We've been trying rather hard to still do things, while maintaining the level of Best Friend. Together, we've been doing it rather well. I'm curious though tonight, when me and her finish watching a movie. I needed to be sure if my original hunch was right. I asked her if she did love me before.

My heart goes red when she tells me she still does, even though she's trying her hardest to try not to.

My dilemma guys, is like so: I love this girl still...quite a lot. She loves me to. I know that for a fact. What the problem is is that on the 14th, she goes home, and i don't know when i'll see her again. I don't know if i should blow my aggreement with her, and say "Hell, we don't have a lot of time left, lets enjoy it while we still can" Or if I should be the big boy and just say "Hell, we've made something, lets stick to it."

I know people have had these situations before, but i don't think anyone has had one at this extreme of a level. Quite frankly, i don't quite know what to do anymore, cause my emotions are shot...i'm completely head over heels for this girl, and she for me. My heart is red, and i don't know what to do.

That is all

[Daijaga]

This is a hard, hard situation, and your going to have to make a hard, hard decision. Because theres only two outcomes to this story.

You together.

Your not.

The first requires one of you making major life altering decisions. Visas. Citzenships. Leaving Family. Possibly learning a language. Career Decisions. The world has us so enamored in restraints and attachments, that such a simple thing as moving carries with it so much weight. This kinda of decision will redirect your life, however Im not sure either one of you want to abandon everything you've ever known for one another. Theres nothing wrong choosing your life over this very different life. You've worked very hard to have the life where you live, and you have a lot of friends and memories there. To toss it all up in the air haphazardly is dangerous.

The second option seems like the one you two are bothing leaning toward. This decision is easier on your brain, but so much heavier on your heart. In this situation you have to look love in the face and wave goodbye to it, watch it fly up up up and east, taking with it a peice of you that can never be recovered. Sometimes love can be traitor, and sneak up on you, placing you in situations like this seemingly on purpose, where you have to chose to let love go.

JFK said "We must use time as a tool, not as a crutch."

Theophrastus, who succeeded Aristotle, said "Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend."


You should not feel guilty about the time you wont spend together, weather its a minute or a lifetime. You should relish the time you DO have together. If either of you think that this situation will hurt less by ignoring it now, its only becuase your scared of getting hurt when you part.

News flash - this is going to hurt anyway. You should treasure this time that you've been so lucky as to have and forget tomorrow. Your both here now, and you both love each other now. Even if that love cant flourish in the future, you can enjoy it now. Dont use the future as a crutch to denying yourselves what you both want in the present. And don't waste what time you could have spent together now. Theophrastus would kick you in the junk. I might kick you in the junk.

In summery, since moving is way far out of the question, use the love you've found while your still young enough to enjoy it and lucky enough to have it. The pain will come later, but at this point, there is no stopping it. Expect it, welcome it, but dont try to avoid it.

[Ming]

I'm not really going to comment much, because I know we've talked about this many a night before on a car rides or at Dunkin' Donuts. The truth is, this is a very difficult situation that you have gotten yourself into, and it's interesting to see how chains of events unfold in such a short amount of time and that can make you completely crazy and miserable.

Honestly, you have lost the opportunity to take the only really easy solutions out of the problem. They would have been a) not having become involved in the first place or b) cutting it off as soon as you found out that she was leaving to go back to Austria for an indefiniate period of time. I'm not being callous, just illustrating the point that life can sometimes put you on the wrong track, headed straight for problems...but really, there's not much you can do about it, unless you can forsee the future, which you cannot.

I know that whence we spoke last, I explained my thoughts on the situation to you...that you should probably start to distance yourselves from each other, because inevitably, she will have to leave, and you will both be hurt, and it's not fair to either of you. For whatever reason (and I'm not belittling you for it or anything, or saying you were wrong) you chose to take the opposite path. These situations are tough because, like Dai illuded to, you have to pit your heart and your brain against each other. Your brain tells you, logically, what you should do. But your heart tell you what to do emotionally, and often times, your heart wins out. It is VERY difficult for your brain to win out in these situations, and love has the tendency to make the most rational person into an illogical fool.

At any rate, I know I told you that I felt you should distance yourselves. However, I agree with what Dai said, as you already chose to go the other path, towards inevitability, and it's too late to look back. At this point in time, you are going to go through a tough time in the end, so you might as well enjoy the time you have left together. Just be wary of what you will have to face at the end of the next few weeks.

And remember, I'm your brother, and I don't want to see you in pain. I'm always here for you to talk to, and when you are going through the tough time that has become inevitable, I'll be here as a shoulder to cry on, to lift your spirits, and to help you up when you're down.

[Tobias]

Just to let you all know, she left last thursday.

[kittenofsences]

Well I am prob to late to really help with the problem but I am a believer in true love and fate. Many things happy weather good or bad and everyone has their opinions but the only opinions that matter are yours and hers if you both want it to work you can figure it out threw all the opsticals and complications even if it takes a year or two. So I do hope everything works out in the end no matter how long it takes to get to the end conclusion about everything.