My world has caved in...

Ming · DOOM! Gender: Joined: 13 Jan 2003

Well, it's official. I'm the most underappreciative, stupid, and biggest jerk the world has ever seen. Why? Because I took something for granted. But not just something insignificant. I took for granted the best, most wonderful thing in my life. The thing that I thank God for blessing me with every single day.

Why did I do it? Because I'm an idiot, that's why. Because I couldn't learn to cope with some things, and to put insignificant crap behind me. Because I'm a stubborn fool who always had to do things my way. Because I couldn't learn to keep my big mouth shut, and just let someone be who they wanted to be. Because I couldn't just drop things.

Now Mary, the greatest thing that WAS in my life, doesn't want anything to do with me. Doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want to think about me, and I really think doesn't want to be with me anymore. Everyone told me to appreciate that I had such a great person, and I fucked it up. We're on a "break" until she wants to call me, and even though its only been overnight so far, its killing me. She wants her space, but I'm afraid that she's just not going to want me anymore in a few days.

After talking to her and making matters worse last night, I broke down. Everything that I know and everything that I wanted doesn't mean shit now, because the one person that I want to experience life with isn't there anymore. Not knowing what to do, I finally opened up to my parents, and I KNOW that this is all my fault. I KNOW that I was being a pain in the ass and smothering her, and I know that I've done this before and this was just the "straw that broke the camels back", but she won't believe me that I can still change. She's never been this angry at me, and I've finally come to the realization that I can't be this way anymore, and I just wish that she would believe me and give me one more chance.

It's been two and a half years we've been together now. We've had so many good times, and I don't understand why this should ruin it, because regardless, the good times have FAR outweighed the bad. Ever since she took this temporary job in San Fransisco, I've felt like we've had a falling out. I didn't want to see her go for 6 weeks because I'm so in love with her. Who would want to see something like that happen? I just miss her so much, and I don't want to see such a beautiful and wonderful thing end like this, a week before she gets back, and 5 weeks since I've seen her wonderful, beautiful, smiling face.

After talking it over with my parents, I know my faults, and I know how to fix them, because they pointed out the same things that she did. And you know what? It's not easy to just change. I know I'm doing something wrong when I'm doing it. It's like someone flips an autopilot switch inside of me, and I step outside myself and watch myself say things and act in a way that I know I'm going to regret, and that I know is wrong. I watch myself and I can't stop it, as hard as I try.

Please, Mary...if you're reading this, don't let this all end this way. Please give me one more chance to see you and make things better again. No matter what, I still love you more than anything you can ever imagine.

EDIT: You know what another thing is that bothers me about all of this? The fact that aside from being a pain in the ass SOMETIMES (Not ALL the time. She says that she doesn't want me calling as much, and yet there are some days when she calls me a lot also. Why is it a double standard?), I treat her like absolute gold. Like a princess. I have never ONCE in two and half years told her to shut up. I have never ONCE called her a bitch, even just joking. (My ex-roommate calls his girlfriend a bitch ALL the time, and Mary and I have talked about how she appreciates that I don't do that.) I've never hit her. I've never gone behind her back or lied to her. And I've never cheated on her, nor do I want to EVER. I never try to make her look stupid or feel inferior. I'm always thinking about her, and trying to do everything I can for her. And I ALWAYS tell her how much I love her, and I ALWAYS tell her how I think she's beautiful, and that's one of the things that she told me she loved...that I make her feel like a princess. People always say that I'm so lucky to have her(and I AM), but what about the other way around? Why am I the shithead who no one no one should be lucky to have? How many other guys out there act the way that I do, and are willing to treat someone that way? The world is full of assholes that will be awful to you and do terrible things to you. I'm a pain in the ass sometimes, I know, but don't I deserve more points for being a better person? Which would you choose, the asshole who just uses you and makes you feel like shit, or the pain in the ass who loves you unconditionally, is sorry for what he did, and is making a vow to change?

If you've gotten down this far, thanks for reading. I appeciate it.

~Andy(Ming)

Reverend · I kin Age: 41 Gender: Joined: 21 Oct 2002

...I'm calling you tonight, 9pm your time, or whenever you'd want me to. And you will not just brush me off. We're talking about this, ASAP

Ming · DOOM! Gender: Joined: 13 Jan 2003

I appreciate that man, but unfortunately I'm gonna be at work...probably until late again. If you want, I'll give you a ring when I get out. It shouldn't be any later than 11pm my time.

I appreciate you being there for me...I need someone right now...

Reverend · I kin Age: 41 Gender: Joined: 21 Oct 2002

You don't have to appreciate it, this is what we do for each other. It's why I love this board and each member of it.

Therin · Gloompf. Iggle! Gender: Joined: 24 Sep 2002

I wish I had some advice to give here, but truthfully, this is out of my league. But let me say this. I know you, man, maybe not as well as some people, but you're one of the best people I know, and I'm hurting right along with you. But, whether you want to hear it or not, you'll make it. Whatever happens, good or bad, you'll still be here, and we'll still be here for you. I do hope it works out for the best, though.

~Your friend,
Josh

Azurel · The Bringer of Levels Gender: Joined: 24 Sep 2002

I saw this thread this morning, and I just sat there for a half an hour searching for the words to put down in the quick reply box. I'd probably be able to better advise had I known the specific circumstances of what happened. I still can't find the words. Good Luck.

Ming · DOOM! Gender: Joined: 13 Jan 2003

Thanks for the kind words guys, I really need them right now.

You know, I thought that going to work tonight was going to be good because it was going to get my mind off of all this, but there were just some points where I wanted to just drop my stuff and leave, or throw something at someone, or just break down and cry. Everyone who comes into that freakin place is a goddamn couple! It made me feel like shit all night. And then on top of all that, I took this job and was so excited for when she gets back, so that she could come in and see me working and so I could be her waiter. And to top it all off, they started playing the Beatles song "Ticket to Ride", which made me want to lock myself in the freezer and cry, because it describes my situation almost perfectly. And coincidentally, I happened to actually pay attention to it playing tonight, and for the first time ever, I just happened to really pay attention to the lyrics. It was like an omen.

And you know what else? Tonight was a really great night. I made my best sales yet, got commended by a lot of people, and came home with over $100 in my pocket. But what's the point of making all that money when I don't have anyone else that I want to spend it on? I wanted to do nothing more than call her and tell her how proud I was of myself, and how happy and excited I was, and wanted to hear how proud she was of me for getting this job and doing really well at it and enjoying it, and starting to turn my life around for the better.

underpants · awesome sauce! Age: 41 Gender: Joined: 07 Jul 2004

I know you have to vent, but if you have any respect for our relationship please do not do it in public.

Ming · DOOM! Gender: Joined: 13 Jan 2003

I'm sorry I vented in public, in this forum. I did not think that I was doing anything wrong, and I just want you to understand how truly sorry, from the bottom of my heart, I am...as even anyone here can tell you.

But thank you for appreciating that I have to vent.

Reverend · I kin Age: 41 Gender: Joined: 21 Oct 2002

In accordance with UP's wishes, I'll lock the topic now.