This kind of stress is killing me

[Azurel]

Argh! I'll be saying fuck, just to warn you.

Just 5 days ago, life was great. I mean, aside from normal teen stuff, I didn't have much to complain about. That changed pretty fucking quickly.

Alright, shit starts happening a few before 5 days ago. The girl that I had fallen for wanted to wait a while to go out, because she had just gotten out of a relationship. I was alright with that, it was understandable. Well, 2 days after we made that plan, tension got too thick and we started making out and seeing eachother (a lot). After a week or two, I notice a slight decline in passion. We had set the date for the day that I was officially supposed to ask her out, it was one month after her last boyfriend. We were gonna spend all day together, but her mom took her out between lunch and dinner time. So she comes over later. Jaime was friendly and playful as usual, but very cold as a "friend with benefits" as that's what we were at the time. We kissed once, and it was the most uncomfortable thing I have ever done. She eventually tells me that her mom talked to her earlier and wanted her to wait more than a month, and Jaime agreed. That fucking hurt. The instant she said that, so many bad thoughts crossed my mind, not hurtful thoughts, evil thoughts. Conversation, love, friendship...everything faded. It got to the point where I just knew she'd never want to be with me. This was the only girl that had come up to me, asked me out because she liked who I was when I wasn't being the pimp that I tend to be around women, first girl I kissed and thought I'd actually be happy with. I stopped being mad and we only talked when Rachel couldn't get a hold of me so she would leave a message with Jaime to give to me.

Well, we were at a birthday party the other night (we being Jaime, myself, and the general crew). So here's Jaime, acting like we were great friends, acting like we had actually dating at one point. Stupid me, I fucking thought it meant something, so I hung around her all night. She talks to this guy Mike for like 15 min. I don't hear anything about it til we leave for Ocean City. Rachel is talking to Phil about how Mike called Jaime after the party and they went for a walk for a long time. This may not seem like much, but the specifics of the situation told me that Jaime was trying to hook up with Mike. That made me pretty mad, "No Rob, you're obviously not good enough to date, but I'll meet someone for 15 min and jump on that the instant that I can."

The worst part is that I get back from vacation and start talking to her. I mentioned Mike and asked her what was going on. She told me, then swiftly started ranting about how it was none of my business. Oh no, not my business, I was only almost in love with you two weeks ago. I had a small thing that I came up with that represented how I felt about the whole relationship (I wrote it before this whole Mike thing). So, I took it out and asked her if she minded, because she had previously mentioned how sweet it was. I forget her words, but she basically acted like we had never even become friends, much less what happened between us. Thus my new "fuck everything" in my profile. I've blocked her, with intent to never speak to her again. Running away? Maybe, but I don't care. She acts like she never met me, I will too, except I'll never give her the chance to meet eachother for the first time, again.

Tch, problem 1 vented.

Problems 2,3,and 4 all surround the events that happen at Ocean City. I said that I wouldn't post details out of respect for a certain member, but I'm to angry to worry about something like that. I'm apologizing in advance if you get mad at me for this, sweetie. I'll also apologize on AIM.

Ocean City! Whoo! What a fun trip. Ok, I had just come from Phil's one night, he had kicked me out around 10 because he wanted some extra sleep. Well, Rachel gets online and we talk. We talk about how we want to get away from everything that's happening, go on vacation before school. I made a comment about how Ocean City would be nice for several reasons. I could pay for myself, I would be able to go without the parents, I haven't been there in years. I didn't even have any intention of actually going, but then Rachel made this quick comment: "Hey Rob, why don't we go to Ocean City together?" So I agreed to it. The conversation about going to OC was all of 2 minutes long, then we started talking about other things so we didn't even think twice about how everyone would react.

We talk a couple of days later after I get some hotel information and dates and whatnot. This is the point where we actually think about Phil. Phil recently got into a car accident and any extra money he had from his paycheck went directly to the car. He had been broke for a while when we both last talked to him. So we figured that he wouldn't be able to go. We also figured that after waiting so long, he was gonna get mad. She finally called him, they fought. After a while, he invited himself and Rachel and I weren't going to complain. So I set up plans and got the room (one double bed and one single bed). I meet up at Phil's the morning we leave and I'm there for 2 hours because Rachel is one to always make us wait. Phil makes 2 sandwiches. He packed them and a bunch of other stuff in a small cooler bag and it barely fit, with all the stuff he had in there, I just assumed he would share. He wouldn't, not even with Rachel. We messed with him about it a couple of times on the way to OC.

We get to OC, sign in with the hotel (which by the way had the shittiest check in ever, we basically didn't sign in under the registered name or give them the lisence plate of the car they gave us a parking permit for). We hit the beach immediately (phil is obssessed with water, he used to be on the swim team) and that was cool because Rachel was damn sexy in a bikini. So, Phil's having a blast while Rachel and I are getting hurt and bored. The water was bothering her eyes and my throat, so we got out for a little bit. Laying on the beach, we talked. I found out that they had broken up a day before we left for OC. This pissed me off because here's Rachel, a girl I barely know, yet she tells me this after we get there. And then there's Phil, my best friend didn't mention anything to me and I was at his house for two fucking hours. I later find out that they started having sex 4-5 months after they started dating. It is now a year and two months after they started dating and I just find this out now, again from Rachel. Now, Phil argued that it was none of my business, this was true but the fact that Rachel told me while I wasn't even asking question tells me that it wasn't that important to keep a secret. I plan on keeping it a secret though (Therin's the only one that knows Phil here, and I trust him to not say anything the maybe one time he might talk to Phil again). /problem 2

Rachel and I flirted, as I would have if anybody had come. This of course made Phil mad, which is why I didn't want him coming. Flirting with Rachel is something that nobody will ever be able to stop. That in itself was another problem.

Phil and Rachel fought quite a lot (not always about me). One night, Phil and Rachel fought and she ended up on the floor instead of in the bed. That just wasn't right, so I offered my bed and she refused at that point I refused to sleep in a room where a girl slept on the floor, so I left. Rachel came out to talk me into coming back in the room, Phil would let her sleep with him again. So we go back and we get into our respective beds. Ten minutes later, I hear them arguing, whispering, but arguing nonetheless. Rachel then runs out of the room crying. This is about 2 in the morning, so we got plenty of complaints. Well, I sit up, unable to sleep knowing Rachel's crying. I look over in the darkness and Phil's getting more comfortable for sleep in his bed, what an ass. So I think about it, and I knew how it was going to turn out. I was gonna go out and talk to Rachel and Phil was gonna get mad even though he was the one that made her cry and also was the one who wasn't in the mood for talking to her. So I go out without saying a word to Phil, meet up with Rachel, start talking about all the things that are going wrong.

One thing that particularly killed the trip was a simple palm/tarot card reading. Rachel went in, I gave her $20 that she didn't have and she got her reading. Phil and I sat in the waiting room for a good 20 min, chatting away about school and whatnot. So Rachel comes back out and we start asking what the reader said. Rachel gave us all the information about what the reader said happened in the past, and she was 100% accurate. However, Rachel seemed to not go into detail about the future reading, and for 20 min, she was leaving out quite a bit. Rachel said it was personal, so I left it alone. Phil on the otherhand, kept bugging her about it until we finally got back to the hotel room and she broke down and told him. The reader had apparently told Rachel that a)She wasn't actually in love with her current partner b)she felt forced into physical acts and she never admits to her partner how much it hurts her emotionally and c)a new person will be coming into her life soon, jeapordizing(sp) her current relationship. Phil took this news extremely hard, it didn't help that I was cuddling with Rachel when she told him this either. I don't think he said a word to us for the rest of that day. I had plenty to say, I told him it was his own damn fault for prying when Rachel didn't want to tell him. I told him that from a third person's perspective, it even looks like he's forcing Rachel into certain acts (I'm not talking pinned up against a wall rape or anything, but it's obvious she doesn't always want to be touched even on her waist at some points, and Phil will still try and get anything short of sex from her dispite this).

Anyways, while Rachel and I were talking after she had stopped crying, Phil came out, dressed, because he couldn't take the fact that I was talking to Rachel, even though he didn't want to even come talk to her at the time. I swear, he kept an eye on Rachel and I the entire trip, even while he was in the ocean he would get out of the water, come up to us and go "ok, making sure you guys aren't doing anything" That severely pissed Rachel and myself off. Once Phil showed up to check on us after she cried, nobody said a word. We sat there on the porch at 3 in the morning, staring into the ocean. Rachel finally got up and went back to the room, she needed to sleep because she was driving home. I looked back at her because I saw her stop in the doorway out of the corner of my eye, and she mouthed "thank you" to me. Phil left to go to bed around 10 minutes later, and I stayed on the porch til 9 in the morning. /problem 3

The first night we were there, Rachel and Phil wanted to "go to bed", which either meant talk or sex, around 10. I was like, "screw that, it's only 10, I'm goin out." So I walk the boardwalk a little bit, chat with a few people. I go down to the amusement park section of the boardwalk and see a girl that I had seen on the boardwalk sitting at one of those watergun racing type games. She was alone and awaiting a competitor, so I sat next to her, smiled, played her. She won, and I was actually trying. She asked me to pick out a prize, I picked a unicorn and gave it to her saying "Here, it's your favorite fantasy creature." She smiled and said "You're good." This is by far the most relaxed reaction to my good luck in picking a girl's favorite anything, which made it that much more appealing. It wasn't hard for her to guess that I liked dragons, considering I had 3 on my clothes. We talk, laugh, have a great time. We were 3 hotels from mine when I was starting to build up the courage to ask her back to my room, I wouldn't have done much it would have just been great company. I opened my mouth to ask her, and she looked at me, her face made me stop my sentence before I even made a sound. She then followed up with "This is my hotel and it's one o'clock, I have to go now." She pulled me in, we made out, bam, I never saw her again, and it's been depressing me for a while now. /problem 4

Problem 5 is a more recent thing. Apparently, when I got back from vacation, I was slightly more frequent in my lewd comments to all of my girl friends. I only noticed it with one girl, but apparently it was all of them. It started with this girl who has some issues, I made the comment "-sigh- I wish I would have gotten a little more action than just a kiss" and she took it extremely offensive because I'm normally such a "nice guy". I wasn't even talking about sex, but she wouldn't hear my excuses. Then there was Stevie. The last time I met up with Stevie, she got drunk in my house, she almost kissed me and she also placed my hand about an inch from her crotch when she was wearing a skirt. We normally flirt, a lot, so it came to my surprise that when I mention anything sexual, she lost respect for me. I think this was generally Kait's fault, but I'll get to that one in a second. Stevie, while losing respect for me, was in the middle of telling a group of kids how she was cheating on her boyfriend with his best friend, yea, I deserve to lose respect. She got online, we talked, I promised to be a little less forward, a lot sweeter.

Kaitlin really pissed me off the last two nights. She's on this virgin power trip right now. She's not a virgin. Let me explain. She's had sex plenty of times with her boyfriend, but now that they are broken up for good ("for good" is a term she uses as loosely as a feather through a summer's breeze) she has decided to start calling herself a virgin again. That makes no fucking sense whatsoever. I asked her why, and she said it was to attract guys. She tried explaining that if guys knew she had sex, they wouldn't want her or they'd think she's easy. Wait, I'm a guy, that's not how I would see it. The only guys that would see it that way are the kinds of guys that don't deserve women, they deserve holes in the wall filled with razer blades, and they're forced to fuck that. So, I made the mistake of saying that was a rather Ho-ish theory. That pissed her off, she started saying I was calling her a slut and a whore just because she had sex with one guy (which I wasn't even saying, so I think that's an internal conflict of hers) I tried explaining how harsh I though the words whore and slut were and thus why I used the more comedic ho. So she's all pissy. Then, tonight, my friend Ron came back from 6 months in military school and he's on his AIM at my house. So Kait IMs him, calling me "annoying" and a "dirty pervert" which I saw. Ron, being like a brother to me, IMs her back saying "Rob says 'oh, cool, I'll have to work on that'" which really shut her up because she understood that I was right there. Ron leaves and me and Kaitlin bitch eachother out for about an hour. I was pretty fucking pissed off that she would go behind my back like that. Especially calling me a dirty pervert. I believe one of her lines were "You just need to stop being so vulgar around me and my friends, I think you forget that I'm a lady." This comes from a girl that recently dry humped me going "Fuck me! Fuck me!" I'm pretty sure she's just way too into this virgin thing and wants to be "clean", which I respect, but she did it by insulting me, which hurt.

Ok, that last thing was the last straw that got me to write this post. I actually got sick today, threw up, and I think it was purely stress related.

I sincerely appreciate anybody who had the decency to read through this entire rant. I will respect all comments and thank the writes of every single one of them.

Therin can tell you that this thing was hella long, I spent a couple of hours on it. He can also tell you how much this venting helped, because at the beginning of our convo, I was real depressed, wanted to kill myself, yadda yadda but by the end I was fairly back to normal.

-dies-

[Therin]

Wow, man...Just...wow. Now I understand why you need Rayne.


You know what I think? Get away. From Phil, Rachel, Kait, the whole crew. From everything. As soon as you can. And when I get a chance to talk to your mom, I'm going to continue to try to see if you can come to AWA with me, because boy, do you ever need it.

Anyway, I'm glad you managed to let this all out, because it was obvious how much it was hurting you, to me, at least. And if there's anything I can do to help, no matter how small, you know you're like a brother to me, man.

Keep on trucking, though. You'll survive, even if it's only because I force you to. And I'll always be here, man.

[Azurel]

Keep on trucking, you're so pathetic.

I really do appreciate it though, you've always been there when I go off like this. We live apart now and our ideas often conflict, but you're probably the best friend I've ever had.

[Therin]

Again, man. I'll never stop. I don't make friends easily, and I don't let 'em go for anything.

[Reverend]

And this is why we need to unplug from life ever so often, it's because of shit like this that makes you crazy

[Doot]

You got a lot on your plate there Az. In matters of relationships (especially the couple from Ocean City) it's difficult to gauge which way to stand. You also have to look at it from others' peprspectives. As your best freidn I would be pretty hurt if you were cuddling up to my freshly ex-girl. It's kind of like that rule of not dating your ex's best friend, etc. It is going to automatically create some tension in those areas. You really have to evaluate the strength of that friendship and put yourself in their shoes as well. It's hard but sometimes necessary.

I hope things start panning out for you, dear.

[starlitdancer]

*hugs Azurel* That's a lot of stuff to go through. I agree with Therin, you need a break from all of that. I hope things get better soon. *hugs again* I may comment more later.

[Azurel]

Rev: This is the kind of shit that made me crazy so many years ago. I get small patches of bad shit that piles up all at once.

Doot: It's true, I wasn't exactly thinking about Phil. Well, I wasn't considering their standpoint. At any other time, cuddling wouldn't be that bad at all (it was Rachel that came up and snuggled with me, but not the point) That made me think. Thank you.

Star: -hugs- I do need a break, heh, that's what Ocean City was supposed to be. Things should get better, I won't be seeing Phil for a long time because he just moved up state for college, but I'll be able to talk to him online which I'm good at. -hughug- Please, comment more.

Thank you three so much.

[Kiyomi]

Ugh...girls can be so cold. Guys think with their neither region and girls can't seen to hold still, figuratively speaking. That's pretty messed up of her to be kissing on you like that, then just go off with another guy.

As for Phil, I would be pretty darn upset if I went through that, too. Even if he is loosing her and knows it, he can't be happy about it.

How long has it been since Rachel talked to you?

The other girl, I can understand. Just because someone was pretty loose for a while does not mean they don't want to change their ways. It might just be a show, but she might honestly want to stop being so easy and work on changing her image. Personally, I would get upset if someone made that comment to me about not getting more than a kiss. Of course, I am married now, so it is a moot point, but I broke up with one of my boyfriends for that very reason. He would not respect my wishes, and kept bugging me about it. Granted you did not say it more than once, but it can still be upsetting to a girl. It kind of makes her feel that she is only good for sex.

[Azurel]

eck, I don't care about Jaime anymore, so that's fine.

As for Phil, I know I was in the wrong with Rachel, and I apologized to him the day we got back, he generally understood and said "it's all good, spankey monkey." You don't wanna know where I got that nickname. I realize he isn't fine with everything that happened, but hopefully time and our friendship are going to fix that problem.

I talked to Rachel last night, why?

when I said "I wanted more than a kiss", I said that to a girl about the girl in OC.