The Aftermath of a Dream

[Therin]

Last night, or, more correctly, this morning, to which you who know my sleep schedule can attest, I dreamt that all of my closest friends were committing suicide, one by one, and that I was unable to help or stop each successive friend in time, because I had been too busy trying desperately to help that one before. I haven't shed a tear, outside of phobic hysteria, in over ten years, but when I woke up this morning, I was this close to doing so. It occupied my mind all day at work today, and I discovered a few things that I feel I need to say.

I have been with Pocket Otaku for just over two years now. Were you to ask Shino or Doot, Senkir, SaitoH, Azurel, or any of the other oldtimers, they would tell you that Pocket Otaku has been alive for two years and roughtly a month, give or take. I had the priviledge of watching what you see when you load the site, as it blossomed from a single drawing. That's right. One. That was all it took. In turn, some of you have caught bits and pieces of my life, over the past two years. Looking at me then, and looking at me now, it seems to me that I've changed, grown a lot. I may never truly grow into the person that maybe I should be, but after two years, even I can see that I'm a much better person than I was.

When I got back from AWA this year, I immediately went on a spree, tracking down new members (The female ones at least. Everyone knows girls are more fun than guys <_<) and doing my damnedest to make then feel welcomed, and included. Two years, hell, even six months ago, I would not have done this. Two years ago...I was a mess. I was afraid, of everything. I failed Health class for the third time that year. My mother called the police just to scare me when I got out of line that year. I was afraid to try to get a job. I was afraid to learn to drive. I was afraid to walk to the bus stop(which, admittedly, was a good 40 minute walk), and even once I got there, I was afraid to take the bus to wherever I wanted to go. I was afraid of most of the guys at school, and all the girls. I was afraid to go to a dance, I was afraid to go to a party with friends. I was afraid of everything. That didn't begin to change until two things happened.

First, I started talking to the fifth in a line of successive psychotherapists. A man whom I will love and admire until the day I die, because he did what no one else could do. He got me to start coming out of my shell. He was perceptive enough to see what I might be capable of, just by talking to me, and he was intelligent enough to successfully turn all my arguments to the contray back against me. He was one of the best friends I have ever had, and I will never forget what he did for me.

Second, I began to talk to the people who are still today my favorite people in the world. I wish to take the time to thank some of them now.

Azzy: Always and forever, man. You've seen me at my worst. You've been there, through the hard times and the good, and you're still here. That means everything to me. Thank you.

Sperrit: You were positive, when it seemed that positivity was impossible. I truly admire you, for your intelligence and for your ability to remain above the drowning waters, as it were. I still don't know how you do it. Thank you.

Excel: You know my secret. You know my deep down, dirtiest, most horrible, evil, disgusting, deplorable, loathesome secret, and you're still willing to talk to me. That...I still have trouble believing it. But wow, man. You are one of the greatest people I have ever met. Thank you.

Ultra: Bro, you'd better start training now, or you're going to be noogied like you never imagined when I finally get to Atlanta. For I have hands of steel and fists of lightning, and I'm going to be using both ^_^ Seriously, though. Thanks for everything, man.

Musashi: I couldn't hope for a better man for a friend (pun intended ^_^). Day after day you put up with my whining, and day after day, you come back for more. I haven't figured out why yet, but thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Nacht: I love you. Words can't express it. Pictures can't show it. Songs can't portray it. There is no medium sufficient for me to convey this to you, but I'm going to do the best I can with what I have. When I'm down, you effortlessly seem to lift me back up. When I'm angry, you're there for me to vent on. You are like my light, when all other lights go dim. My only wish, is that I could make you see the world the way I see it. I've only ever seen you depressed once, and it was like seeing the tip of an iceberg rise out of the waves. I wish I could find a way to make you believe in this, but all I can do is just repeat it, over and over. Everything will work out. Everything will work out. You'll survive, and when you finally find your paradise, I will still be here, bursting with joy that you've finally found it. All you have to do is believe.

Finally, Shan: I wish I could say here everything that I think and feel about you. For the sake of all involved, I will endeavor to limit myself. Every time I talk to you, you leave my head spinning. Trying to know what to say to you is like trying to juggle three tubs of rattlesnakes one-handed while dancing the macarena on a log floating in a lake of piranhas. But for all the confusion, there is one thing that remains constant. I love you. I never really stopped. And I always will. No matter what happens. Nothing you, or anyone can do will change that.

Two years is the longest I have ever been involved with any given thing. By a huge margin. This place is more a home to me than any physical place will ever be. To the point that, as astonishing as they may seem, it is an extremely rare occurance when I am on the internet and not logged into PO. Vast majority of the time, it's the only place I ever go. This place has done so much for me, and I want to give something back, so I'll say this here and now. I've made a vast number of new friends, just since AWA, and it is to these people that this is mostly directed.

There are times when you will find yourself looking around and seeing nothing but bleakness. The world will seem unworthy, or you will seem to yourself to be unworthy of the world. It will seem like there is nothing here for you, and it will seem like there is no one here for you.

I will always be here for you. Each and every one of you. Always. That is no idle boast.

Thank you for reading, if you managed to get this far.

[Venus]

Very well put. I know you havent known me for long, but all il can say is this, I love you like a brother and if you ever need anything at all, don't ever hesitate to ever come to me for anything, ever. Or if you ever just need a shoulder to lean on, call me. I know im usually using your shoulder to cry on, but whenever mines available (which is pretty much all the time) you are more than welcome to use it. I love ya! I care! ^^

[Ultrawolf]

Of course we managed to get this far! I'm your little bro dont'cha know! I'm very glad to see you in an upbeat mood Therin and it warms my heart that you mentioned me.(You'll have to be able to catch me before I let you noogie me ^^!) . I understand for the most part how you feel.
PO is just such an awesome place. We've got the friendliest people ever here and If there's one place I ever really feel like I truly belong it's here.

Rock The Chibi!
^_^

[Reverend]

I have always felt that a dream is how your subconscious shows you what you are most afraid of, and if you can learn to face that, to confront it, and one day look at it and say "I am no longer going to be goverened by you."

Therin, you are a great guy, I hope you know that. I am sure that all of us would tell you that because it is true. And also, I will admit that I am somewhat jealous of you. I am not as creative as you, nor as eloquent. But know that if there is anything I can do, don't hesitate to ask.

Keep the faith, and Mod bless.

[Silver Adept]

A stirring speech, Therin. Made all the more poignant by its truth.

To find a place of belonging is one of the greatest boosts to the psyche. Be glad and congratulated that you have found yours.

[Shandriz]

Did I commit suicide via the consumption of strawberries? Because that's so totally how I"m going to die seven hundred years from now, oh yeah.

*coughs* sorry. Bad habit of making jokes to lighten the mood a bit.

Anyhow, sweetie, I know how you feel, a bit. Sometimes I get this irresistible urge to tell everyone exactly what they mean to me, and it's always so gratifying to actually do so. Then again, I've always been very good at letting people know how I feel in at least a superficial sort of way, so perhaps I don't know precisely how you feel. It must be so much more of a release for you. ^_-

Moving on a bit, know that I will always, always be here for you, no matter what. You underestimate yourself a lot, and I intend to fix that, dammit. ^_-

[Sketch]

heh yes shan your prefered course would be 'death by strawbarries'

[Shino]

You know, sometimes people ask us... Why? Why do you put so much effort into something when you receive nothing in return? Why do you pour your heart and soul into something like that?

Well to those people, I feel sorry for you. If you think we get nothing in return, then I feel sorry for you.

If you want to know why we do it, just go and read Therin's post again.

People like this are worth a piece of my heart
People like this are worth a piece of my soul

...

That's why we do it.
You are a good man Therin.
And always welcome here!

[Ultrawolf]

<3
You said it perfectly.
The People of PO have a place in my heart and I share my heart and soul with them.

[Bekuki]

Awwww....*hugs Therin* We'd never leave you don't worry! ^^ You know I WILL NEVER levae you alone In more ways than one! *annoys*