this is pure venting

[Zinka]

this is pure venting...I hope this is the right place for it..if not then please let me know.
I repeat: this is pure venting. I needed some place else to write other than just in my journal and some of the things I am writing about aren't in it and I haven't talked about them to anybody...not my family or friend or even my boyfriend. Im not really looking for advice or comments but if you have any..if you read the whole thing then feel free to give them...

pure venting

I love my family. I know how important my family is and how important families are ot everyone. I love them more than anything and need them. I appreciate them. I love them even in their oddities. I love my dad who has recently been remarried and I love my stepmom and my new 1 year old half sister. I love my actual mom and her girlfriend of 5 years. I love that my mom and dad have been friends-of sorts- since we were very little. I love my twin sister even though we fight alot and have to share everything. I love my brother, hes 22 and in iraq. I love them...but we have a crazy family. I love that too.

I feel like my family is falling apart.

There have always been problems of course. Rahcel and I fight a lot but we are sisters. that is understandable. My mom had a pretty messed up childhood and so she's a little insecure and a little selfish and tempermental but it has always been okay. her and dad have had problems but they have always been okay and even m,y rbother's relationship with my mom was getting so good...thankfully that is the one thing that is improving right now.
Even though we have fights it has always been manageable. I have always been able to deal and always felt that things would of course be fine.

but right now it feels like things wont be fine.

I shall start small.
I feel like a stranger in my dad's home. He is very very busy with my baby sister and my stepmom and I of course understand that. how can i noT? but I've hardly seen my dad in the past month when I used to see him at least every weekend. I cant help but feel like we are distant and he is distant but I know its nessecary but still...

then there is rahcel, my sister. We fight a lot. of oucrse, about stupid things and about serious things. She, like my mother has a very volcanic temper and will tell you excalty how she's feeling at the top pf her lungs. but we get by even when we fight and susually resolve it.. lately however we fight nearly everyday about something...something small, something big it doesnt matter. so I was trying to just not do it...to just avoid anything thought would cause a fight. b ut I cant always do that and so last sunday we had a huge fight and we were both yellling and then all the suddent she hit me.
now.
rachel and I fight...but it is always verbal...we never seriously hit me and hse backhanded me right on my mouth. my lips were so swollen I stayed home from school the next day to avoid having to explain why. but after she hit me the fight immediatly dissolved and she felt horrible. I forgave her because I knew how bad she felt but I didn't know what was wrong...wat would make her hit me like that. it definatly had to be something more tha what we were fighting about but I just dont know what I can do for her.

and then there is my mom. my mom is one of the people who is incredibly influential and important in my life. I love her. she is also one of the people who is most difficult ot understand with and figure out in my life, aside from my sister.
She has this thing where she constantly feels like we aren't appreciating her enouhg or spending enough time with her or loveing her. She has actually told my sister and I that we do not care enough about her. She often states in one way or another that we are selfish or that we like dad more than her or that we just dont spend enought ime aroud her. she thinks we dont love her. now...this hurts me likenothing else because I tr very hard to spend time at hoime with her...I also have to go to school and work and extracurriculars which are all things she wants me to do. but I try so very hard to make time for her, my friends, and everything. yet we fight about this often. her and my sister whoever fight about it a lot more and lately, I think in the past three weeks she and mom have been n a fight nearlyu two or three times a week. they yell and scream and they dont listen to each other. rachel doesant understand mom and mom doesn't understand rachel.last night was one of the owrst. they eylled and screamed about it and I sat there not knowing what to do. finally my mom's girlfriend, TJ, lost it which I have never seen in the past five years anbd yelled and screamed with them and in the end my sister stormed out of the house and drove over to my dad's house.

the fights are getting worse.

I am afraid that mom will gice up on us and that rachel will give up on mom and that TJ will give up as well. Im afraid I wont be able to be normal around my dad because he wont know me anymore and I wont know him anymore. Im afraid because there is nothing I can do right now...I cant try to make everyone happy and laugh it off...I cant make them forget....I cant make them taslk about it

I feel so awful...if it just gets ignored then that is bad but no one will listen to anyone else. no one will sit and talk and listen to anyone. what can I do?

I feel so guilty. have the time I just want to leave and get my own apartment but what good would that do? I need my family but what can I do for them. I hate this and I hate the screaming and fighting and yelling.
I don't want anybody to give up on anybody and I dont want my family to fall apsart...I definatly dont want to go back to like I was in middle school when I never talked ot anyone because I was afraid they'd get mad at me...I had just gotten so good at sharing my feelings and talking to people and now I dont know what.
I just don't know...

I woke up this morning and my eyes were actually swollen from crying....it seems ridiculous to me...I hate crying...

I guess I just wish people would listen to each other...

[Shammy]

There was a Loooooooong period of time where my brother was having major problems with my mother and father. They were arguing whenever he was home, which ended up being 5-6 hours a day. They would fight and fight and fight. And the mood of the entire house was dropped significantly due to the lack of harmony. Mind you that with three sons in the house, harmony never REALLY exists, but there was usually relatively more. They had to go to counseling for about 5 years and talk a LOT in order to get through things. I don't know if counseling is right for you and your family, I think things would be more complex with a divorced and re-married father with a new child and a mother who now has a girlfriend. The most important thing is to talk everything over with a clearly unbias mediator who will help the root of all this anger be found and fix it up.

[Ultrawolf]

[Zinka]

thank you both for your input...I agree..since this seems to be the point of both your statements....that sitting down and talking would be excellent...having an unbiased mediator would probably be nice but impossible since we definatly can't afford that kind of counceling and Im not sure if my mom or sister would do it.

Sitting downa dn having talks is actuallly hard because tempers tend to rise....the idea of writing a letter seems intriguing and possibly may help but I think Id write the same letter to everyone.

thank you both again for your input....it's nice to be able to talk to others about this...for some reason bringing all this out with my friends from school seems impossible...possibly because they are all rachel's friends as well

thank you again

[Silver Adept]

Sometimes, when the novelty wears off, all the strange things start showing up. If the nagging things can be worked through and brought to a conclusion, then things will go well from there. Patience and a willingness to work things out is very helpful in these sorts of times.