The Story of Kei (Chapter 2 added!)

[kei]

This is still a work in progress. Basicly it's a story to my character to give people an understand of what he can do and can't. So far I got the skills down.

Update: Dec 14, 4:19pm. Chapter rwo of my story has been added, you can read it. Enjoy everybody please leave comments.

Edit: To make things easier for the reader, I made daiolouge blacks and paragraphs, for easy reading. Thank you all for your comments, more of my story coming soon.

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The Story Of Kei:
Chapter,1:

Kei grew up in Osaka Japan and was a Kendo student at the age of 4, he loved the samurai style and the discipline and tolerance they had, their self-control. Everything he loved about them and admired. So he began to train in the arts of Kendo, by the time he reached age 12 he was forced to leave the dojo he was a student at because of his strength. His former class mates said they would leave if he didn’t so Kei left. He wondered into the area of Tokyo, and found him self dazzled by a young women by the name of Setsuna Sakurazaki. She was extravagant, and very skilled in the kendo and swordsmanship arts. Kei couldn’t help but wonder and stare as he watched her practice outside of her school. She catches eye of Kei and stops in the mist of training.

Setsuna:“Something you find amusing, there boy?” she asked.
Kei gasped as he tried to find words.
Kei: “I couldn’t help but notice your style.” he said, “it’s like nothing I’ve ever come across." She smiled,
Setsuna: “My style is not my own.” she replied. “My father taught me everything I know.”
Kei: “Do you think he’ll take me in as an apprentice” Kei started back. She lowerd her head and a small tear drops, and she runs off.
“Wait!” Kei yelled.

But it was too late she was gone. Kei begins to think to himself “What did I say wrong?” That night All he could think about was her and the fascinating style. He tossed and turned through out the night, trying to get to sleep but the thoughts and visions of her swinging her blade, kept going in his mind.


The next day He goes back to the school where she trained but did not find her there. Then suddenly he hears a voice behind him. “What are you looking for?” the voice asked, Kei turns around.

Kei: “It’s you” he said. She smiles and motions him to come with her, she leads him up to a grassy cliff over looking tyhe ocean, and says “Now try to take a swing at me” Kei looks startled.

Kei: “What?!” he replied.
Setsuna: “You heard me, lets see what you got boy.”

Kei acknowledges her words., And takes stance. The two of them spar it out for hours Until midnight. There on a rock under the moon they sit, “How does she do it” he thinks to himself. He looks at Setsuna as she gazes up at the moon.

Setsuna: “My father use to take me up here..” she started. “Underneath the lit moon every Friday after class, He would train with me.”
Kei: “He sounds like a really wonderful person.” he replied.
Setsuna: “He was.” She said. “He passed away not to long ago.”
Kei: “Oh, is that why you ran off the other day?” he replied.
Setsuna: “I’m sorry if that scared you, I’m still having a hard time getting over it.” she said to him.
Kei: “That’s okay, at least you got a chance to see your father.” he said back. “I never even got the chance to meet mine” she smiles at him with a gaze in her eyes that would seem to calm the ocean.
Setsuna: “Thank you,” she said.
Kei: “No problem, but may I ask you something?”
Setsuna: “Yes?” she answered.
Kei:“What is it?”
Setsuna:“What is what?” she started.

Kei: “Well the art your dad taught you, those skills are amazing, I’ve never seen them before.
Setsuna: “Their Omyou Mystic” she replied.
Kei: “huh?”
Setsuna: “When I was just a child, there were these samurai warriors called Omyou Mystics, they used spiritual energies and spells combined with their swordsmanship to defeat demons, .. My dad was amongst them.” she said to him.
Kei: “Do these samurai and their styles still exists today?!” he asked. Setsuna:“Only one.” she smiled at him, Kei looks at her, and knows exactly what she meant.
Kei: “You?, Can you school me in your arts?” He asked her. Setsuna:
“We will see,” she replied to him "for now get some rest." Kei bows his head, to show thanks but just as soon as she did the day before she was gone.
Kei:“Hou..” he says, “She’s gone again.” Kei closes his eyes on the cliff and falls asleep to the sound of the Ocean.
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Kei The Omyou Mystic Samurai:
Basic Discription on an Omyou Mystic Samurai: It is a Samurai that uses spiritual baseds attack and energies to defeat it's enimies. Such as, lightning, which is an element, twilight, fire, ice, wind, ect. These are all elements, and all elements hane spirits that control them Omyou Mystics use Spiritual based energy atks.

Equipment: None but his Kendo Uniform.
Weapons: “Setsuna”
Basic Fighting style: Swordsmanship , and Tai jitsu

Signature Moves:
1. “Shinmei Ryouku Zanganken!”: Uses sharp slices of wind to, do damage to it’s target, is used with sword, (close and far ranged attack)
2.: “Hakka Sodatou!” Is a chi based attack done in close range by a physical palm punch: When attack hits an target it sends it shooting backward with physical damage. (damage of this attack is measured by how close the fighter was with in range of it’s target).

Special Moves:
1. Splitting Strike: Is a spiritual based attack used in close range, with sword, requires pure strong focus and will. If done properly can do good damage to opponent. If not done properly minimum damage is done or none at all.
2. Far Fist: In an attack that uses the atmosphere and chi to do shocking damage to it’s opponent: Is done in close range, not so much damaging the outside but penetrating it causing painful damage on the inside.
3. Turning Force: Uses willpower and chi to counter act another chi based attack of your own: For Ex: If “Far Fist” misses, “turning force” can give the whole body more momentum to do it again with twice as much damage. Or it can be used to strengthen attacks if needed giving it’s fighter more force to do heavier damage.

Ultimate Techniques:
1. Summoning: Uses incantation to summon spirits to help fight, and encourage for more will power.
(Uses a lot of energy)
2. Eternal Glacier: Uses high level spell to freeze the surrounding area and it’s Opponent to the point of shattering. (uses alot of energy)

[kei]

The first chapter of my story is up, enjoy everybody.

[Ultrawolf]

There's no need to double post unless there's been a large gap of time between your first post and the second. Keep in mind people work/live in different time zones and this is -not- a chat room. Be Patient.

I actually have a few criticisms.
Your powers seem to be scattered all over the place.
You have fire, time, ice, wind, lightning, darkness, as well as what -seem- to be a very unbalanced power set. You can heal, protect yourself, grow stronger, and just outright freeze opponents and lock them away. First of all I would recommend sticking with one or two elements -max-, while you might want to go all over the place with powers, keep in mind it becomes very unbalanced and your character is no more important than anyone elses. For your character to be running around wielding god like powers is broken and unfair.

Some of these powers are also what seem to be blatant ripoffs of other people's powers, I'm sure it wasn't intentional but like I said earlier...stick with an element and give yourself a -balanced- range of skills. I notice you didn't list any swordsmanship skills, there's something you might want to think about. Also ditch the healing, if you're an offensive character, you have no right to be able to heal yourself as well. It's all about Balance :3 You can -have- kickass- powers but you also need to make sure that you're not overpowering and give yourself some kind of weakness to compensate for the power. I've been reading alot of roleplays and you seem to have what is commonly referred to as "The Superman Complex". You need to learn to give and take. Nobody will want to RP with you if you've got a broken character.

As far as Chapter 1, you may want to structure it. Nobody will want to read it in one big chunk. Paragraphs are your friend. Correct spelling is also a good key, People will actually be more willing to read your posts/stories if you have correct spelling. Spelling builds up credibility. Take a moment or two before you click submit to skim over your posts to correct any errors in spelling. Trust me, I hate reading posts that sound like gibberish because the poster was careless. It doesn't matter if it's actually a good post either because people will be deterred by the poor syntax. You don't want your official story to be less than polished do you?

While I may come out the gate sounding harsh, It's just because i'm more experienced with writing characters. If you want to write a -good- character I'd rethink some of your character information.

[RivaOni]

I'd reccomend reading any RP's with UltraWolf, Diablo or Tobias in as their characters are all solid, also Zzyxx is a good one to learn from.

also to see someone struggling to put together a character, read my Wanderers Tale story which is still a work in progress and doesnt really reveal much about Riva just yet, but your in for some great suprises

[kei]

[Shino]

[K-chan]

An Omyou mystic may ve able to dabble in all the elements but his strengths don't have to be all equalized out since the elemental attacks look to be all mid level. Specialization can help to grow you character in a specific direction. Let's say he is strong with lightning, maybe water spells are just his nemesis and always go badly for him. Or an affinity with fire that is so strong flames lean toward him when he walks into a room, or flare up if he should lose his temper. Or maybe with the personality of the character fire would be too unruly to control properly. There is an endless number of things you can do and play with development wise so you would not be limiting yourself should you focus your powers more.

Spread across the board you could never match anyone power to power, like with Shino and his fire, Rayne/Shadow, Zzyxx/Ice etc. etc. Having a weakness forces the character to make do with what they have. It means being more resourceful or creative in a situation and so the character grows in both strength and maturity.

Have you ever watched Samurai Deeper Kyo? If you haven't I definately recommend, I think you'll like it. Some of your attacks remind me of Kyo.

[Ultrawolf]

Another realistic thing you could do is gain strength over time.
When Ultrawolf was first created he was untrained and wildly unpredictable.

He could use some basic swordsmanship and when he got angry he would transform and gain mucho strength but in exchange he lost all control. By having that weakness, I gained a strength. Ultrawolf grew more powerful at the expense of endangering his allies.

You could start off with a few basic powers and over the span of many roleplays gain strength. Ultrawolf eventually learned to tap into his inner strength and began wielding Darkness powers. He also slowly began to learn to control his other side, learning to shift at will and learning to control himself while in his werewolf form. You don't have to be uber powerful -right now-. It's more credible to develop a character over time, which makes sense as they wisen and train they should naturally become stronger. But remember that there should always be a balance of power. While Ultrawolf gained these new powers there was always a trade off. ie. His Werewolf form can't use the swords, His Human Form isn't as tough so he can't take as many hits.

I'm not saying take away all your powers, not by any means. What I suggest is roll with a few select powers and develop Kei over time. Maybe you'll focus on one or two elements. Much like K-Chan said, if you spread your powers too thin, realistically, you'll never stand a chance against anybody who's got a discipline in one or two forms of combat.

Credibility is a strong factor when roleplaying. It's what leads to interesting stories and what will make people want to roleplay with you. Writing is like artwork. You can't expect to be an expert right out of the gate, it takes a long time to hone your writing skill. Check out some of Therin's and Azzy's early roleplays, absolutely horrid! Lots of God-moding and horrible storytelling...but if you read anything they have now it's incredibly different! They've learned over time and through experience how to write and how to write -well-. Their work is spit polished and people are more likely to read what they say then somone with grievous mechanical errors. I know -I'm- more likely to skim through difficult to read posts but I will take my time to read posts that are intelligent and easy to read. Whlie there isn't a spell check, it still pays off to pause before posting and reread your post out loud.

[kei]

I think I see what you guys mean now, about my attacks, not to get rid of them but to have them at different lvles and mastering a select few. I ran over one of my previous roleplays i'm having with Kisin, and looked at the atks I 'm using more frequintly, So far both of my specails I've mastered. Mystic Twilight is still a low lvl atk, so i don't use it that much. My swordmenship is mastered in. since my story line starts out with me training in swordmenship at the age of 4. I will test my other skills as I roleplay more. So far I have learned that summmoning drains me of alot of energy, so I'll start using summoning only if nesasary, like for a special atk like "Eternal Glacier" which is one of my strongest, elemental spirited atks.

-K-chan, yes I have read Samurai Deeper Kyo, it is one of my favorites,^_^ my character however is based off of Setsuna Sakurazaki from Negimas, I also mentioned her in chapter one, which I'll be getting more into detail about her later.

I've been re-hinking some things about my char and it's giving me wonderful ideas for the next chapter and basicly outline of my charatcer. So you guys will like what I have instore I think, I hope anyways.^_^

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About using other applications for spell checking. Sounds good, but I tried it and it didn't even have some of the words in there like the word "Omyou" or My characters last name. But I guess those aren't really important, for spellcheck.

Thank you all for your comments and Critique, I will put it to use.

But I'd like to also know what you guys think of my story so far? Please let me know.^_^

[Azurel]