JOKE OF THE DAY!! - dun worry! be happy!

[Shinigami Banchou]

i did.. you just wouldn't let me wear it cuz your mean and im too fat for it

[Skylah]

Funny Husbands and Wives
Stress Reliever # 1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Stress Reliever # 4
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

Stress Reliever # 5
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I 'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

Stress Reliever # 6
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Stress Reliever # 7
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What 's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."

Stress Reliever # 9
Doctor to his lady patient: "You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?"
Lady replied: "Doctor, I thought you said three males a day."

Stress Reliever # 10
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you
married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

Stress Reliever # 11
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

Stress Reliever # 13
Man to wife on wedding night: "Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?"
Wife replied: "Of course! honey, I stayed awake with all the others!"

Stress Reliever # 14
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."

[Skylah]

Strange Things People Put On Resumes
Message: These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require rescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

[Kugyou]

My contribution:

Three men meet in the bathroom of a convention center. Realizing from nametags that they are all there for the same academic conference, they politely nod and smile to each other before going to their respective urinals.

The first man to finish goes to the sinks, washes his hands with lots of water and soap, and dries with enough paper towels to ensure that his hands will be dry until the second coming. He looks to the other men and in a thick British accent, informs them:

"At Cambridge, we know how to keep ourselves clean and tidy."

The second man finishes, goes to the sinks, and washes his hands with just enough water and soap, and just barely dries his hands with one paper towel. He looks to the other two men and, with his indistinct American accent, states:

"At Harvard we not only know how to keep ourselves clean, but how to conserve resources."

The third man finishes and walks right past the sinks, smirking as he sees their jaws drop. Looking over his shoulder at the astonished pair, he informs them in a deep Aussie accent:

"At Melbourne we know how not to pee on our hands!"

[Skylah]

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India ...

1. Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

2. This is from Oracle Bangalore:
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

4. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

6. An incident of a leave letter
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

9. Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: -
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

13. A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'...As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

[Skylah]

The Train Set

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five -year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen.

[Skylah]

SECRETARY 'S RESUME

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting. I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me belly well.

I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited. I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persenality. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth, I can start imeditely.

Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. Hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings


PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.



EMPLOYER'S REPLY!

Dear Peggy,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.....
Welcome onboard!!!

[~Tsuki~]

LOL D That's great Skylah! Loved it.

[Kudasai Hiroki]

NATURE LESSON

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
While he's sitting there he notices a panda on the other side of the bar sitting at a table and eating. At first he thinks this is a little odd but then it doesn't seem to be bothering anyone else so he just ignores it.
A little while goes by and the guy looks back over at the panda just in time to see it get up, shoot the waiter, and run out of the bar.
They guy is stunned, but no one else seems to be suprised at all.
Confused he turns to the bartender and asks what the hell that was all about.
The bartender pulls out a dictionary and shows it to the guy...

PANDA: Eats shoots and leaves.

[ninja_panda]

I've got one....

A man walks into a bar and says ow! he he he....